A couple of alchies..

I just came home drunkish. I wanted to be able to do it sober but I couldn’t. I kept driving, bought some wine and parked in the Panera parking lot. It eases tension, eases pain. And all I want is to ease that pain. It helped a little when he said her boobs were fake. They may be bigger, but they are fake, so I win. I know men don’t care if they are fake, but it cheapens the deal for me. She’s also kind of skanky, which makes me feel like it wasn’t as though she was competition, she was just easy and had boobs when my boyfriend hadn’t gotten laid in weeks.

Still does not make it ok. Still makes him weak, and make me feel like shit. I don’t know how far it would have gone, but I keep thinking about that. What if I didn’t find out. Would he have found a way to go home to "visit family" alone? I don’t know. Will never know. I don’t know how to make this better, how to trust him. I don’t know if there is a way but I think there is a way to at least try. Most everyone says to leave him. But nobody else knows him. Yes, my gut instinct was to leave. Pack up and go, I need to finally find somewhere what I deserve as a decent person.

I still go back and forth. Sometimes I think I’m ok, we can try to find a way around it. Sometimes I think it’s just not possible. I haven’t felt this much hurt in a long time. But I have felt it, and I am alive and well. So no matter what happens, I will be fine. I have been through enough "what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger" situations to know I will be fine, if not better than before in some messed up way.

He’s in the spare room, hiding. We haven’t talked, I’m no good at it. I know a normal person would want to talk about it and figure it out. I just want to hide until it’s all over.. yeah good luck with that huh.