Glimpse

A friend told me the other day that I had changed.    That I wasn’t the same person he had known.    It must be quite a change if even my friends can see it.     I can feel it, too.      Because I can feel, because I can hurt.      I don’t want to go back, but I’m so weak like this.   So exposed, and it hurts.       It’s so hard to go on, when you’re so alone.

That’s my own fault though, I push everyone away, scare them all away.     Or they get too close, see something they don’t like.     Some truth, something a little too dark for them to handle.      I might say something to make them doubt my sanity, have no doubt I’m not whole.    I tell everyone at first how dark I am, how my mind is off . . they take it as a joke, some game I play.     Till they see, then they would blame me.

Because I’m the cruel one for showing them the truth.   All of you hide away from me, I’ll just hurt you.    What was I thinking?    Anyone who I care for, anyone who cares for me will be hurt.     Go away pain, leave me alone.   I know, I know.    You don’t have to tell me, this light is not meant for me.    I just wanted to walk in it for a while.

I’m afraid, scared of it all.    At least I know the darkness, and I know it’s not evil.    I could never wholly leave it, a part of me shall always belong.    I thought I could walk upon the fringe, on that line between light and dark.      The armor is broken though, I’m no knight.    My "honor" is a fragile thing I can grasp at now and again.   I am so tarnished that none would accept it anyway.

I’m not looking for someone to carry me, not someone to lean on though I might need to lean every now and again.   Just a hand to hold, to know someone is there.      That’s what I want.    I can save myself.

—–

What seems like a long time ago,

You made me cry,

And I thanked you.

For it saved me,

From the empty place that was calling me.

Another time,

You made me cry,

I’ve never been more afraid,

You were crying.

You were hurt.

Was it my tears that saved you then,

When my words could not?

I was so afraid,

More fear I have never known.

No it was not me that saved you,

Was it?

You saved yourself.

Maybe I was at least that hand for you then,

Letting you know someone was there for you.

Someone who cared,

Someone who always will.