You get what you put in…

and people get what they deserve.

I’m so fucking cold.  Being at home is torture.  I feel my fingers stiffen, my feet turn to ice.  50 degrees Farenheit is okay for a little while…not 15 hours a day.  And it’s only going to get colder.

I know I should be thankful that I have a house at all, with MOST of the utilities.  I have food to eat, sometimes, water, electricity, and the internet.  I have so much more than so many people…

I think this is my karma.  People get what they deserve, right?  I am not a good person.  This constant cold seems entirely fitting. 

The exhaustion goes hand in hand with the cold.  I sleep at night, I think, but I wake feeling as tired as I did before.  I sleep through my classes, I come home and do nothing.  I collapse into bed at night where I lay until I can stop thinking long enough to fall asleep.  I’m so fucking tired.

Saturday night I took 6 excedrin as a pick-me-up.  I had forgotten how nice that particular overdose felt.  I wasn’t tired.  I wasn’t lethargic and slow.  I was articulate.  Words and music raced through my head.  I know so many words to so many Christmas carols, it’s amazing.

Keeping my grades up to par is a challenge in and of itself.  The work is piling up around me, yet I do nothing.  I have at least 3 big projects to be working on.  I have to learn 12 scales, not to mention the 6 for jazz band.  I have a pleathora of reading and objective questions to do.  But I don’t.  I don’t want to.  I don’t care. 

I don’t want to go to college.  I want…to relax.  Just once, not feel the pressure from school or the anxiety of work.  Just sleep without anything hanging over my head.  Sleep without dread of waking.

Strangely enough, I don’t blame myself for my miserable life.  I find myself incapable of self-blame.   But I can accept the fact that I deserve it.  I consciously do bad things.  I know what I do is wrong and yet I continue.  I mock old people, retards, and cripples.  I don’t stop others from doing the same.  I take advantage of people, I use them, and I lie to them.  If I think it’s for someone’s own good, I can’t tell the truth.  I find myself physically incapable of speech. 

“I’d share with you, could I only speak, just how much this hurts me.” 

They say humans are resilient.  Fuck humanity.