transcendence

Last night, I dreamed that my arm had been amputated at the shoulder.  It was not an emergency; the amputation was at least a week or so in the past, and the wound had been neatly bandaged.  Still, it hurt enormously.  It was my right arm that had been amputated—I am right handed, after all.  In my dream, I was in a huge amount of pain, but no one would give me any painkillers.  There was an opiate I kept asking for—it had been prescribed to me, so I had a right to it—but no one would give it to me.

Instead, they were giving my painkillers to my sister, who was complaining of a headache.  I am sure it was a bad headache, but I wondered (in my dream) if any headache could compare to the pain of a recently amputated limb.  I thought not.

The symbolism of this dream is so obvious that it is embarrassing. 

Evidently, my subconscious feels that I am in a huge amount of pain that is being ignored for my sister’s less awful, yet more clearly articulated, discomfort.  Also, I evidently feel that this pain is as debilitating to my life as an amputated dominant arm. 

I have had this image in my head for days, of blood.  My blood, leaving my body.  I think vague thoughts about “transcendence,” of becoming something more than what I am.  At moments, I have peace, I have made my peace, and I can be nearly sanguine about it all.

I think I’m too much like my father.  I see in him the same fear that rots inside of me, the same act of running towards and away from the oncoming train.  I cannot find in myself the courage to break away from this.  I know what will happen if I don’t.  If I can’t. 

I think I’m too pathetic, too weak, too full of stupid sentiment and softness.  I try to harden myself but it’s the same garbage spilling out of me all the time.  Suture the holes and more appear.  Who am I?

Nothing I do is right.  I do nothing, and I still do it wrong.  It’s not fair that some people get two lives and I don’t get a single one.  I wear makeup to cover this rotting corpse and I don’t let anyone close enough to notice the smell. 

Blood.