tired of feeling sick and useless

Play a note on a piano and I can tell you what it is.  Maybe 75% of the time.  Do I have 75% perfect pitch?  Then it’s not perfect, is it?

But you don’t care.

I really don’t even know who you are anymore.  I know who you’re not, which is some consolation.  I don’t know anyone.  I never bother to ask for favourite colours and foods and drinks, who gives a fuck about those things?  Everyone does, except me.  Knowing you like blue won’t give me insight into your soul, but is that really what I want?  Because it’s not what you want from me.

I don’t relate well with others.  Some would call it "emotionally closed off" but I prefer "hostile".  But I’m not, really.  Well, maybe I am.  But for 19 years I have heard nothing except pointless small talk about favourite colours and foods.  No one else wants to change the world with me, no one knows that I can.  Because I’m just a megalomaniac and I’m crazy as fuck.

My idealism is what’s killing me.  The belief that these people can do better, that we can all be better and work together and make something worth having.

It’s the world’s biggest joke, really.

But back to you, of course, because that’s how it will always be with me.  I don’t think you realize how alone you make me feel, how different.  Because you keep telling me I’m not, and yet I look around and there are none like me.  But I’m unique, too, aren’t I, just like all of our children are gifted.

More and more I feel like I am alone on this planet, despite my 6 billion kindred.  I have nothing in common with these people, who think only of the day to day, who can’t see the future and aren’t torn into pieces every time they wake up in the morning because another morning is another chance to fail at making everything perfect.

But You don’t give a fuck, do you?  You never fucking do, because you’re too selfish and ignorant and lazy and think that someone else can do something about it.  I hate you so fucking much, all of you sitting there wearing your smug little grins thinking "I’m not ignorant."  I hate all of you who will respond to this in anger "well you are no better!!1!".  I hate every person who’s ever laughed or smiled or looked in the mirror and LIKED what they saw.  I hate every person who has had a day where they don’t hate everything about themselves.  Mostly, though, I hate the ones who think any of this actually matters, who deny that this life means NOTHING in the universe.  No one cares about our chemical reactions.  No. one. fucking. cares.

And I hate You for it.