please, won’t you walk on me?

I applied for a couple of jobs yesterday.  One was at a vet’s office and one was at an optometrist’s.  The vet’s office is full time, which would be problematic come fall.  The optometrist’s is part time, but less desirable because vet’s office = pets and pets > people.

I need to get a job because, surprise surprise, my sister was completely wrong in her assessment that we could live on her income alone.  I’m just pissed off, because I HAD a job, and a life, but I had to leave it behind and now she’s all passive aggressive because we’re poor.

We ran out of propane last Sunday, which means we didn’t have heat.  Yesterday morning, our house was at a toasty 51 °F (10 °C) when I woke up.  My sister caved and paid to have the tank refilled, but it was $350 we can’t really spare.  She’s making me feel like shit because I’m always cold so she filled it “for me,” but now we can’t afford things like the phone bill, or my credit card bills, etc. 

As always, things going wrong are my fault, since I’m a shitty person, worthless, pointless, and so on.

It’s not like I WANTED to be unemployed.

I guess I’m still angry about how I came to be living here.  I’m angry that she pseudo-martyr guilt-tripped me into moving. 

It went like this: “Oh, no, I can’t really afford a place of my own, while paying my part of the rent for the house you and Idiot Fiancé and I agreed to rent until May 2012.  I guess I will just keep living here with Idiot Fiancé’s parents, which I hate, forever.  I mean, I really, really, hate it, and I miss my pets, but you don’t have to move home.  It would be nice if you did, so we could all live together, and I wouldn’t have to live with Idiot Fiancé’s parents, which I hate.”

So, you see, if was essentially my fault that she had to live in an undesirable situation.  It certainly wasn’t HER fault, that she mindlessly accepted a job 350 miles away 2 months after signing a lease for another year.  No, because I wouldn’t move, she had to live with her idiot fiancé’s stupid parents. 

It’s such fucking bullshit.  I let her manipulate me like that.  I LET her do it.  I was pissed off about this situation from the fucking beginning but I didn’t say a word, I just laid down and let her walk on me.  I’m so fucking pathetic, so unbelievably spineless. 

She takes advantage of the fact that I am unable to advocate for my own needs, let alone my own desires.  She gets everything she wants from me.  I have moved 350 miles for her TWICE when I didn’t want to.  TWICE!  I have left behind my friends, my job, my education, and my home for her TWICE.  When the FUCK is she going to give up something for me?  If I go to vet school, I am going alone.  No pets, no friends, no monetary support.  She’s made that clear.  She won’t move for me, since she has “a real job” now and is prepared to settle down in this shithole of a town for the rest of her life.

Pathetic.  Pathetic, spineless people like me deserve to be used and walked on and pushed over.  I can’t stand up for myself so I deserve all the shitty things that happen to me.  Survival of the fittest and all that goddamn motherfucking shit, right?