On Bathroom Stall Optimism

I hate reading the things that people write on bathroom stall walls.  I mean, the vulgar stuff is okay.  "Your mom has a saggy vagina" or "buttsex is fun" or "cunty cunty pussy twatface" is fine.  But when people try to be philosophical and give advice, it just pisses me off.  I mean, please, you’re here to take a piss or a shit, why are you so inspired?

“It Gets Better,” said the stall wall.  There I was with my pants around my ankles, voiding my bladder and ruminating on what a pointless, empty wasteland my life was, and that little pearl of optimism pierced a hole in my gloomy pessimism and let in the LIGHT OF TRUTH!

“The secret to happiness in life is doing what makes you happy” says another wall.  Well, no fuck.  The secret to happiness in life is happiness?  I hate circular logic.  Especially when I’m on the toilet.

“Do what you want in life, the rest will follow!”

“Try to see challenges as “something positive” (I can’t even remember what this one specifically said, it was so inane)

Optimism in general offends me; that’s no secret.  I spend a fair amount of time ruminating on what a pointless, empty wasteland my life is, after all.  I am, without a doubt, incredibly negative with a pessimistic, paranoid, cynical outlook that would put most people to shame.  I often use words such as “idiotic,” “naïve,” and “delusional” to describe optimists.  Optimists, I wholeheartedly believe, occupy a luxurious philosophical outlook where they have not been kicked in the teeth, shit on, and then abandoned to the fury of nature.  Optimism pisses me off.

So there’s that.

But on a bathroom stall wall?  Is that really the best place to spread the joy of your positive feelings?  Is this really the best forum you could find?  Instead of going to a psychiatric ward and preaching to the depressives, or to an AA meeting to enlighten the addicts, you decided that you could do the most good by graffitying a bathroom stall.  That really adds a lot of credibility to your message.

Added to the fact that most of these messages are a grammatical and spelling nightmare, I am disinclined to take any of their advice or adjust my worldview.  I’ll stay a cynical, paranoid, depressed, pessimist, thanks.