not crazy < me <crazy

Chemistry class pisses me off because I already know everything and the professor is a condescending cunt.  Perhaps I would find her less condescending if I did not already know everything.  Wasting three hours a week to be treated like a retarded toddler, though, is hard to stomach.  I could be doing something important.

Ha.  Right.  Like I ever do anything important.

I think my sister’s boyfriend is allergic to all cleaning.  That’s the only explanation I can find for his inability to do something so simple as place his dishes into the dishwasher.  Or, perhaps he’s just very lazy.

He’s such a douche.  He’s got an opinion on everything, and I swear he is the most ignorant, racist, ethnocentric fucktard I’ve ever had extended discourse with.  Most of his stupid opinions I have no answer for, as I am expending all my effort on grinding my teeth and seething.

Doing science again…it’s like I’ve come full circle.  Yet I can’t…it’s not ever going to be like it was before.   With time, I might rectify the glaring mistakes I’ve made in my life, but I can never undo them.  And no matter what it feels like, I am not “beginning” like the freshmen are.  This is not a beginning for me. 

And my god, they’re so young.  And naïve.  All the little freshmen in intro chem and intro bio think they’re going to go to medical school, or pharmacy school, or graduate school.  They haven’t seen the ways that life will fuck you in the ass and ruin all your plans.  Most of them will drop out after this semester.  Most of what’s left will change majors to something easier. 

I am really, really old compared to them.  Old and cynical.  I find this hard to deal with, although no one understands why.  It’s so hard to look at them.  They’re young, and they haven’t fucked their lives up yet.  They have opportunities that I didn’t, that I won’t ever again.  Many of them have a freedom that I never had.  “Jealousy” does not ever begin to cover my feelings. 

Me, I’m just a 24-year-old fuck up, a dinosaur among undergraduates.  I made terrible life choices that no one told me were terrible.  And so instead of moving forward I am re-tracing my steps and trying to find the place where I fucked off on the path.  All the while wasting time and energy. 

I cut myself last night, like a 24-year-old fuck up would.  I’m just so fucking useless, pathetic.  I can’t take care of myself, I barely function.  I’m selfish and demanding and I should probably just fuck off.  I’m plagued by this nagging need to come clean to my doctor but that’s just a terrible idea all around.  A secret that’s held for 13 years can hold a bit longer.

Crazy people don’t think they’re crazy.  I don’t think I’m crazy.

I’m just useless.