needy
My sleep schedule is all fucked up. And by “all fucked up” I mean it’s mostly gone back to “normal.”
I can’t get up the motivation to do anything. My exercising has fallen off—I’m down to 5 times a week instead of 7, and that’s pathetic because I have shit else I need to be doing. I don’t clean, I don’t cook, I don’t even play World of Warcraft much anymore.
I think I’ve gotten addicted to writing. At least, I’ve gotten addicted to the positive feedback. Which is also pathetic.
I mean it’s not exactly a secret that I’ve had no validation in my life. I crave acceptance and praise in a truly…embarrassing…way, especially for someone who is so “strong.” Except we all know I’m not strong. And as much as I claim to be indifferent to the thoughts and opinions of others, the fact remains that I need praise like an addict needs his drugs.
The main difference being no amount of validation or praise will ever be enough. I can’t get “high.”
My sister has often expressed irritation at this character flaw of mine, of this deep, endless neediness. She gets frustrated because I honestly cannot tell on my own if something I have created is any good, and she hates that I cannot believe people when they tell me it is.
This is not feigned modesty, or fishing for compliments. I cannot judge my own work through the thick fog of self-loathing that colors every thought and opinion I try to form about myself. To me, everything I do is universally pathetic, futile, and worthless.
And no matter how much time, energy, and oxygen you waste telling me otherwise, I will not believe you. I have never believed anyone. I do not do this to be frustrating, or intentionally dramatic. I just…can’t.
That doesn’t mean I crave it any less. I think, maybe, it makes me crave it more. Because no amount of validation will ever make me feel good, will ever make me feel accomplished, or wanted, or worthwhile, I need endless validation. And no one in the world has that kind of time and energy. I do not expect it from people.
I try hard to hide it. Because this kind of neediness is not only unattractive, it is, I think, deeply disturbing. Indeed, I don’t just hide it, I go in the complete opposite direction. I’m some kind of masochistic master of self-denial. All I want is validation. All I want is praise. So I go out of my way to avoid drawing attention to that. I go out of my way to avoid showing how much I need these things.
It’s so pathetic. I’m pathetic. And needy. Why can’t I be as strong and independent as I pretend I am?
Makes sense to me. Everyone needs validation, whether they admit it or not, whether they pretend to be indifferent or not. Indifference is rarely ever NOT a front. For the most part, people who say they’re strong or tell others to be strong only say that because they’ve been told that’s what good people are supposed to be. And at the same time, they’ll berate others for being “hardened” and “closed off” rather than allowing themselves to be “vulnerable” and “open”, because they’ve also been told to be those things. The truth is that most people are much weaker than they try to seem, and don’t really understand what strength is supposed to be in the first place. Strength doesn’t necessarily equate “not needing” either. People may not admit that they need validation, but more often than not they’ll readily admit to needing to be needed. And how can anyone feel needed without the needy? Neediness is a necessary facet of human interaction.
Warning Comment
everyone is needy….we all want to be wanted, we all seek to have a purpose….whether that’s pathetic or not is irrelevant. you need to stop pretending, stop defeating yourself….I’m not saying it’s a switch you can just turn off…but you can slowly change your beliefs….listen to the praise anyone gives, write it down…repeat it to yourself, remind yourself of what that person thought. Chances are they are telling you what they see, what they believe
Warning Comment