matter of time

 I wish I knew how to say “no.”  Or to stand up for myself.  Unfortunately, I can’t do either.  Since I am not “selfish,” I will not do anything that’s in my own best interest.  Because doing things for yourself, that you want to do, is selfish, and being selfish is bad.

What I want doesn’t really matter.  How I feel doesn’t matter.  This is the truth.

The fact is, my self-esteem is so low that I can’t even stand up for myself long enough to tell Sister’s BF that his comments about my clothing and/or body make me uncomfortable.  I can’t tell my sister that I don’t want to pack up my belongings for the third time in four years and haul it 350 miles away.  I had a LIFE, damn it, and maybe it wasn’t the greatest but I am sick to death of her expecting me to give up everything for her.  This is the second time.

I don’t think I’ll ever put down roots again.

I mean, what’s the point?  Having a job, making friends, connections, having fun…next time something comes up for Sister, I’ll be dropping it all anyway.  There is no point in any of it.  Either people leave me, or I leave them.  There is no continuity, no stability, no future. 

Stability would be nice.  I have not had stability probably since I was 14, when the first rumblings of “foreclosure” began echoing through my house.  The idea that “home” could be taken from me was traumatizing…it was worse when it actually happened.  Since then, it’s been an unending stream of “ifs” and “whens” and “maybes” and I am tired of living constant uncertainty.  Where will I be in 5 years?  In 2?  Next year?  I don’t know. 

I would like to have a home, but I keep leaving them.  I’m too sentimental, I get too attached, and that has to stop.  To people, places, things. 

I do not make friends.  In four years, I haven’t really connected with anyone, but the people I have met, I am going to miss.  Maybe not much, but I am tired of feeling pain over this shit.  People leave.  They go.  It is a fundamental truth of the universe that I just need to accept.  I need to sever my relationships and just get the fuck over it.  It’s only a matter of time, anyway.