irrational? rage.

Today, I wrote a song.  I self-plagiarized a little bit, but who hasn’t?  Why waste a good poem when you can put part of it to music?

I’m kind of angry with my sister.  It’s fucked up, because as I was typing that, I was going through all of the reasons why I’m being irrational and how anger is wrong.  Even just admitting I’m angry to myself is difficult.  I have been so well conditioned.

Anyway, I’m angry because she is making me feel guilty about her bad life choice.  I went to visit her this weekend, and the whole time she was talking about, “when you move up here” and “when we get our own place.”  She is making her apartment search contingent on my moving, meaning she basically is not going to get her own place until I move there.  She has neglected to consider the possibility that I do not want to move.

Think of it this way: in 2007, I packed up my bags, left my college, my friends, my life, and followed her to Detroit.  It was always “understood” that I would do this.  I tried, at one point, to take a stand against moving.  “I could finish my degree,” I said, “and if I was still here, you would have a place to come home to on vacations and breaks!”  She got angry with me for trying to “back out” of our arrangement.  So I moved to Detroit.

Four years later, she stupidly applies for a job 350 miles away from our newly established home.  There is nothing particularly special about this job.  She is, essentially, an administrative assistant.  I found 10 job postings for administrative assistants within 50 miles of this house after doing a 10 minute search.  Instead of applying for these, though, she applied for one back in our hometown.  Now she expects me to, once again, pack my bags, leave my college, my friends, and my life to follow her home. 

All the while telling me how much she misses me, her boyfriend, and her pets.  Her loneliness is my fault, because I won’t move. 

I’m tired of being made to feel like a shithead because I don’t want to drop my life and follow her around.  I am happy where I am.  Sure, I miss my sister a lot, but after two weeks I’m adjusting.  I have a job, and classes.  Sure my job is menial, and my classes are pointless, but I have a LIFE and I am tired of it being written off as less important.  I don’t WANT to move to a backwater city 350 miles away, where I’ll be lucky if I can get a job that isn’t at Wal-mart.  Like that matters.  Like anything I want matters, right?

I mean, I guess it doesn’t matter.  I have no real idea what I do want.  So I might as well do whatever.  Resistance is futile and all that.  If I don’t do whatever I’m told, I’m being “selfish” and “unreasonable.”  And they wonder why I’m prone to outbursts of rage.