Into your hands I command my spirit.

Graduation is in 3 days.  Which makes it almost exactly 2 weeks until I’m being evicted.  Which gives me 2 weeks to get my shit together.

I don’t really like it here.  In this house, this city, state, country, planet, plane of existence.  I look at pictures of myself and I look wrong.  Almost cartoon-ish.  I don’t belong here.  I’ve always known that much.  Conservatives blame the Harry Potter books for making kids think their existence is boring, but I’ve always been disillusioned.  There’s something comical about the 10-year-old who’s undeniably bored with school, family, life.  I feel as if I’m treading water, waiting for something.  Judgment day?  I have already been judged unworthy.  What more do I have to wait for?

I have written, including this, 474 entries in this Open Diary.  468 public and 6 private entries.  It is my autobiography.  Four and a half years are documented here.  And yet, you could begin at the first entry, read the whole thing through, and still never know me.  In this, I have perfected my art.  The enigma.  How romantic.

I do not like what I have become.  Years ago I decided that I would define myself.  I had grown tired of trying to epitomize what everyone else had defined me as.  Intelligence will destroy man.  Intelligence leads to only one destination: the realization of one’s faults.  The glaring imperfection.  God molded man in His image, but made him intelligent enough to realize he was not God.  He was not divine.  He was not Power.  He was nothing and would always remain so.  God intended man to hate himself.  Ignorance truly is bliss.

I struggled over the meaning of life.  I had thought I was disappointing someone somewhere.  But there is no one to impress.  Every man is mired in his ignorance or self-hatred and God doesn’t give a shit.  Humanity is destined to fail.  Mere acceptance of one’s faults with no effort to improve is laziness.  Any effort to improve will throw into sharp relief that which man cannot achieve.  It is a game that cannot be won because it has been fixed from man’s conception.