I don’t even know what to do with myself
It’s been 6 weeks, so I feel I can now state that:
-exercise does not affect my mood
-diet does not affect my mood
-vitamin D does not affect my mood
At least not in any dramatic, “I no longer feel like drowning myself 6 times a day” way. Maybe in an “I only feel like drowning myself 3 times a day” sort of way. Is it an improvement? I guess.
I dream, when I sleep…of so many fucked up things. Blood, murder, suicide, torture. Torture. I dreamed that I was doing unspeakable things. Graphic, violent, horrible things. I wanted to do something so vile that the rest of the world would hate me as much as I hate myself.
I don’t believe dreams have magical meanings, but I think my subconscious is trying to say something, and it isn’t pretty.
That my mind would even conjure that imagery is…nauseating.
I’ve pretty much set a rule of “no melatonin ever again,” but the alternative is insomnia. It’s getting to the point that I might even bring it up with my doctor in June. Along with the pain in my shoulders. And my inexplicable hair loss. And, maybe, my thrice-daily urge to hurl myself into the lake.
I’m 25 years old and falling apart.
Melatonin tends to give me vivid dreams. Not necessarily that way, but definitely memorable. I never bought the “exercise = happy” thing either. I acknowledge the scientific basis but I’ve never really experienced it myself, at least not without also being on medication that was already helping.
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