I don’t even know what to do with myself

It’s been 6 weeks, so I feel I can now state that:

-exercise does not affect my mood

-diet does not affect my mood

-vitamin D does not affect my mood

At least not in any dramatic, “I no longer feel like drowning myself 6 times a day” way.  Maybe in an “I only feel like drowning myself 3 times a day” sort of way.  Is it an improvement?  I guess. 

I dream, when I sleep…of so many fucked up things.  Blood, murder, suicide, torture.  Torture.  I dreamed that I was doing unspeakable things.  Graphic, violent, horrible things.  I wanted to do something so vile that the rest of the world would hate me as much as I hate myself. 

I don’t believe dreams have magical meanings, but I think my subconscious is trying to say something, and it isn’t pretty. 

That my mind would even conjure that imagery is…nauseating. 

I’ve pretty much set a rule of “no melatonin ever again,” but the alternative is insomnia.  It’s getting to the point that I might even bring it up with my doctor in June.  Along with the pain in my shoulders.  And my inexplicable hair loss.  And, maybe, my thrice-daily urge to hurl myself into the lake. 

I’m 25 years old and falling apart.

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May 3, 2012

Melatonin tends to give me vivid dreams. Not necessarily that way, but definitely memorable. I never bought the “exercise = happy” thing either. I acknowledge the scientific basis but I’ve never really experienced it myself, at least not without also being on medication that was already helping.