Fall on your knees.

If I truly believed I could bow down before God and accept everything in my life as being his “will.” But I don’t and I can’t.  I wish I could believe in God, or even a higher power, but my doubt is compounded daily.  I need proof, and God just won’t come out and tell me he exists. 

“You’re such a worthless little fuck.”

Sometimes I forget I’m human.   Two things define humanity: our intellect and a capacity for love.  I have intellect, or so I’ve been told, but a capacity for love sometimes escapes me.  The words, “I love you” always sound so hollow when I utter them, it makes me cringe.  I don’t want to love.  I see no need for it. 

I don’t know why people get so offended when you don’t love them.  I guess it’s human nature to want feelings to be reciprocated.  And, like I said, humanity is defined by love.  Am I sub-human?  Perhaps that’s it.  I’m a freak.

As if I didn’t know that already.

“You asked me to come in out of the cold / as if I could ever leave it behind.” 

I’m not emotionally warm.  Most people don’t know it.  I wonder if anyone has ever known me well enough to know it.  it’s kind of funny.  I try to be forgetable.  I don’t want people to get close.  And they don’t.  So they never know that they’re being pushed away.  At 17, I have no close friends.  I have friends, but none I would tell my “secrets” to.  And none who would confide in me.  My parents don’t know me.  They would probably rather not.  Everyone I interact with in “the real world” only see what I want them to.  I am manipulating them, constantly.  It is an art I have perfected.

“I feel guilty, my words are empty.”

Sometimes I think they deserve the truth.  Then I feel guilty for lying, for manipulating.  But I get over it.

I always have.