Diaries left with cryptic entries

I feel so weird.  So old.  So god-damned, fucking old.

In a little under 2 months, I am going to turn 18.  Legal adult.  6 months and I’m out of school.  Graduated.  On to college.  On to the real world.  Jesus christ, I can’t even get my Calculus homework in on time, how the hell am I supposed to do this?  I’m not ready.

Strangely enough, I’m not sad about leaving high school.  I am glad it’s drawing to a close.  It was supposed to be the best 4 years of my life.  It hasn’t been.  The best four years of my life were the first four.  High school has been a chore.  I’ve hated it.  I don’t want to remember it.

I’m afraid of failing.  Of letting my parents down.  Their lives have been…troubled.  When they die, I want them to know that their lives weren’t in vain and that they passed something along.  I need to succeed, to give them the peace they deserve.  I owe it to them.

But I’m so fucking tired.  I want to go to bed and sleep and not worry about waking up the next day.  I selfishly desire peace for myself. 

Someday, I’m going to have to face that fact that I am, above all else, human.  And as such, I am flawed.  Imperfect.  I will fail.  I will fail them, and as a result I will fail myself.  I don’t deserve the life they gave me…I should never have been born.  They would have been so much happier without me…Everyone would have been.  I bring nothing to any of my relationships…I am a burden to all who know me.  If I had never existed, they could have been so much happier…they all could have been.  I have to earn this.  I have to earn their sacrifices.  Everything they’ve given me…I don’t deserve any of it.  I have to make their time and efforts worthwhile…but I’m so fucking human…

So fucking flawed.