5 little ducks went out out play.

The Wiggles.  I can’t decide if I love them or hate them.  Earlier, their music was almost driving me to tears of pain.  But the kid loves it, and who am I to take away from that?  I would have been pissed if my babysitters had ruined my childhood because of their personal preferences.  So I will endure.  This too shall pass.

Those last two sentences have become my mantra as of late.  I must constantly remind myself that I am strong and that trivial, everyday hurts will soon cease to matter.  Wandering from bed every day now takes courage and endurance.  But simply ceasing to function because “I don’t want to” is childish, and I am not a child. 

Self-restaint is a concept that, though I have yet to master it, I have made good progress towards it.  I do not yell.  I do not throw things.  I don’t hit.  Emotions are smothered, to be dealt with at a later time.  My therapist would have told me this is wrong.  But seeing people give in blindly to their emotions is sickening.  Happiness is socially acceptable, so a social expression of that is also acceptable.  Any negative emotion is to be expressed privately, or best, not at all.

Which is why I so often turn to the internet, particularly this diary.  I have a livejournal, but my friends read that.  To them, I am impervious to the effects of life.  I am, if a little cold, untouchable.  That is an image I wis to uphold.  For them to think otherwise would be disastrous.  Any weakness is to be shielded from them.  I do not want their pity, or worse, their help.

So here I type, afraid of what is flowing from my fingertips, a stream of thought that is entirely unwelcome.  It is here I express my “bad” feelings; my self-loathing, mostly. 

It’s funny, really, that of all the people in the world I dislike, the only one I can actually hate is myself.  I hate myself for being ungrateful, pathetic, weak, but most of all I just hate myself for being human.  I can’t change it.  It is the constant thorn in my side, the limitations of my genetic coding offer nothing. 

I’m so tired these days, I need to rest.  My sleep at night is plauged by thoughts of waking, feelings of laziness.  My days are consumed with meaningless activities that always leave me feeling more empty and worthless than before.  I want to sleep for a long time.