5/7/07

2 months since I last felt obligated to ‘write’ in this.

College ends so early in the year.  May 4th was the last day of term, and that’s rather late as far as college goes.  A mere 2 years ago, I was contemplating graduating high school.

I miss myself.

Or, rather, I guess I miss what i could have been.  Instead of wasting the last 10 years buried under whatever the fuck is wrong with me.  I don’t remember what I was like before I was like…this.  What is normal?  Who gets to decide that?  And what right do they have to have made me feel so pathetic?

Is it only a chemical imbalance?  Some flaw of genetics that makes me weak?  The scientists make it sound so easy…too much of one neurotransmitter, not enough of another.  Take a pill and it all goes away.  But I can’t get those years back.  Half of my goddamn worthless life…

Christ, this is pathetic.  Everyone else grows out of this melodramatic bullshit but I seem to be growing into it.  And nothing will ever change, will it?  Until I can make some sort of commitment, or some other kind of bullshit happy go lucky psychobabble nonsense.  Maybe I need to "get in touch with my inner self".  Because I "can’t cope."  What the fuck do these words even mean? 

There is nothing in my genes that can’t be beaten by willpower and strength.  Someday I might have enough of both.