12/26/2011

The problem with winter break is that it ends.  January 9th, I will be back in classes, doing something I “love,” or wasting my time pointlessly.  I’ll be 25 next month.  A full quarter of a century old.  And 7 years older than I ever thought I would be…but isn’t that melodramatic.

I think I mentioned that I no longer live in Detroit, and that’s weird.  I’m having a lot of trouble “dealing” with the fact that I am not going back.  This is my home now, not there, and I need to get used to being a country hick again. 

My mom calls about every 3 seconds, and does not seem to realize that living closer to her does not translate into having more to talk about.  Really, she calls about once a day, sometimes twice, but it grates on my nerves all the same.  I suspected I would have no space once I moved, but I did not anticipate how truly annoying it would be.

I walk my dog along the shore of Lake Superior and I only want to jump in a little bit.  The ice crusted along the water’s edge makes getting close tricky, so I mostly stay in the grassy area 30 feet back.  There was no ice until a few days ago, when it finally got cold enough to freeze.

Christmas was…trying, but it always is.  I could do without the big family dinner, but really, since when has what I wanted mattered, anyway?  I really hate Christmas.  I hate the presents, the family, the music.  I used to love it, but then I got older and none of it mattered.  It’s too hard to care.  I don’t want to care, because when I care, I inevitably get hurt.  So no caring.

Anyway, classes start again on the 9th, but I don’t really want to go.  I have this vague, eventual goal of “vet” but I know it’s not going to work out.  It never does.  I won’t get into vet school, or if I do, I won’t be able to afford to go.  My dream is just a dream.  I’m too useless and incompetent to actualize any of it.  I’m just going to live in the woods while my sister supports me, since I quit the only job I had.  It was the sort of menial work that suits useless, incompetent people like me.

I dreamed I was trying to kill myself and doing it badly.  It’s how I’ve been doing it for years. 

I read that one should try to postpone important decisions while they are depressed.  It doesn’t matter.  I make bad choices all the time.  I sometimes wonder if I have ever made a good choice in my life.

I don’t know why I bother.  I really don’t.  Why did I get out of bed today?  I did nothing worthwhile.  My presence was negligible.

At least, I wish it was.  I’m sick of being in the middle of sister and her BF.  I do not think they could have a relationship without me.  It sounds narcissistic, but I spend so much time and energy smoothing things between them, it’s exhausting.  I have to make all these menial choices, soothe egos, translate, repeat, and generally play butler to their relationship.  I do not want to do this, but I’ve been entrapped.  I think it’s creepy, in fact, but if I attempt to pull out of the arrangement, sister becomes sullen, BF becomes belligerent, and I’m stuck living between my parents again.  I do not want to live with my parents, but buffering them is draining.

So my presence isn’t negligible.  Worse, it’s essential.  But I get nothing from this arrangement.  Except stress and, occasionally, “quiet enjoyment” of what I thought was meant to be my own life.  Very occasionally.  Rare is the moment where Sister is not dictating what I should be doing.  Rare is the day where I am not plagued by guilt and resentment.  Anxiety. 

I want out, but I can’t be my own person.  I’m too pathetic and useless and worthless for that.  I have no way to support myself and I just moved to a place where the only jobs are driving trucks and mechanics.  Added to the more than $50,000 in student loans I have, I am, in a phrase, fucked.  I think the world really would be a better place if I killed myself.  People like me, we’re just entitled drains on society.  College was a complete waste of time.  But I can’t take it back, and the only way to get out of this debt is death, since I will never get a job where I can pay for it.  I think my heirs might be required to pay my loans if I die, though, so who knows.

I’m afraid of drowning, but I’ve dreamed of dying that way since I was young.  Hypothermia, or drowning, or both.  I used to think that I shouldn’t kill myself because my cat would miss me, but I think he’d get over it.  We were apart for three weeks and he suffered no ill effect.  I do love him, though.  He’s the one person in my life who isn’t demanding and doesn’t try to control my life.  He’d be happiest if I would just stay in bed and cuddle with him.

I think I would be, too.</p

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