12/18/2011

Today, I had the last day of my job.  There was cake.  I cried on the way out.  I tried hard not to resent my sister but failed.  Oh, did I fail.

So I came home and had some tequila and cake and sublimated my feelings.  Even though “emotions happen” and it’s “okay to be sad for awhile,” I had better get the fuck over it, and fast.  No one cares for sniveling, crying, or caring.

“Don’t think about it,” I’ve been telling myself.  “You’re being ridiculous.”  Because it is ridiculous to be upset about leaving a job I’ve had for 4 years?  Sad about severing the only relationships I managed to form the entire time I lived in Detroit?  Part of me says no, that’s not ridiculous.  But I never listen to that part.

Anyway, the tequila helped in that it made me feel all warm and fuzzy.  But not especially sleepy.  Now it’s almost 2:00 AM and I am awake with little inclination to sleep.

Tomorrow I’m going to mostly finish moving.  I have a chemistry exam on Monday, then I am done.  Done with the semester, done with Wayne State, and done with Detroit.  I might be sad about this, but it doesn’t matter.  I’d better get the fuck over it, and fast.

Well it’s somehow after 2 in the morning now.  Still not at all tired. 

I’ve been thinking about how I push people away.  And how most people don’t actually require pushing.  Most people are looking for an excuse to leave.  I am unwilling to accept that there are people who want to, or will, stay with me in any capacity.  I have encountered no such people. 

It doesn’t matter if I ever did, because I would just push them away, too. 

It’s circular, but that doesn’t make it false.

Maybe I am tired.  Or drunk.

The point is, I am alone and I always will be because I test people.  I push them, and they all fall over.

Like I’m going to when I stand up.