12/15/05

Get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, get up, won’t you stop my pain?  (Burn my knees and…burn my knees and pray.)

I erased several years worth of titles in the "Entry Title" box a moment ago.

Winter storm warning means that they will plow tomorrow morning, early, and wake me.  Wrestled unwillingly from that unconscious oblivion, I will crankily extricate myself from bed.

Odd dreams as of late, must remember to turn the heat down before bed.

There is no leash on the night around me.

I don’t mean to make you cry, but these feelings run right through the night, and I’ll only make you cry with these feelings.

I fell in love with people sleeping.

I don’t want to be lonely, I just want to be alone.

To err is human, to forgive is just stupid.  But what is there to forgive?  For what injustice to I hold you responsible?  Dare you guess?  Blame is something I cannot hand out, holding it too close to my heart.  Too willing to blame myself, too willing to just forget.  But I can’t forgive.  Just know that I hate you.

Not so.  Hate is a very strong word, don’t you think?  Can you really hate me?  I have not betrayed you.  There was nothing to betray.  You never trusted me.

No.  I didn’t.  Because I never trusted anyone.

You never trusted because you couldn’t trust me!

Or maybe I never trusted you because I knew you were like them!  You are all the same flesh and blood, are you not?  You are all the same ignorant, violent, selfish, stupid creatures.  They proved themselves to me, but you kept me guessing.  You never told me what you were.  But I could see it reflected in them, and I knew.

Did you?  Did you judge me by them?  Then did you also judge yourself by them?

You know I did.  It was inevitable.  I tried to tell myself that I could be better, but I knew this was all I could ever do.  Because of you.

Because of me?  Because of you, I should think.

Because of us.