11/05/2013

 I declared a chemistry major to go with my biology major a couple of weeks ago.  I’m not sure if it was a good idea or not.

Usually by this time of year, I’m ready to step in front of a train, but I didn’t even try to drop out of school this year.  I’m not happy, but I only consider killing myself once or twice a day instead of constantly, so maybe that’s as happy as I’m ever going to be.

Work is…okay.  I like editing, it’s just…work is everywhere.  I can literally do it 24/7 and thus feel guilty when things go undone.  It’s basically fuel for my anxiety.  Still, I’m doing the best I can.

My sister’s getting a second job, and I feel like I should as well.  But I spend so much time studying and trying to keep my grades up that I just don’t have the time.  Plus it would fuck with my anxiety, and that’s just what I need.  I guess I’m just lazy or something, I don’t know.  If I tried harder, I could do better, but.

Classes are okay.  I’m not doing very well in biochemistry but I don’t really give a fuck.  I got a D on the first exam and…I just didn’t care.  It’s irrelevant.  If I do well, great.  If I fail, I can kill myself or something, I don’t know.

I went to the doctor last week.  She suggested I make ‘lifestyle changes’ which pissed me off because WHAT does she know about my lifestyle?  I don’t eat carbs, I don’t drink pop, I get exercise, I eat whole grain, fruits, vegetables.  But I’m still fat, so obviously I just sit around and eat cookies all day.  Fuck people like that.  You can’t judge shit about someone’s lifestyle from how they look.

Yeah, that’s largely irrelevant, sorry.

Anyway, that’s life.  I’m alive and not actively attempting to change that, and that’s about all I really expect anymore.