11/04/2012

I tried to drop out of college this week.  But it’s past the add/drop date, so they wouldn’t let me.  At least without proof of ‘extenuating circumstances.’  I suppose “I just don’t want to fucking be here” isn’t ‘extenuating.’ 

It just seems so fucking pointless. 

But at least I have a withdrawal form for next semester.  It was all they would give me.

Class registration opens on Monday.  I’ll probably register, so in case I find it in me to give a fuck at some point between now and January, I’ll have relevant classes to take.

I don’t know what I want to do.  Everything seems pointless, out of my reach.  There used to be things I could see myself doing for the rest of my life, and now I…don’t.  I don’t think I’m capable of doing anything, of being anything.  I’m too fucking stupid, and slow, and worthless to ever be a functioning part of society.

I can’t do anything, and more and more it looks like there’s only one thing I can do. 

And it would be completely logical, and that might be the worst part.  I have no skills, I don’t contribute to the world, I never will.  My life will have no meaning, so what’ the point in living it?  I don’t even want to, can barely get up the energy to get out of bed in the morning, let alone do anything productive.  Or meaningful.

My entire life is sans meaning.  Or purpose, or anything.  And I can’t even drop out of school right.  Can’t do anything right, apparently.  I have no idea why I bother.

I’m just wasting everybody’s time, pretending that I have a fucking clue what’s going on, like I have a fucking chance at ever making it out of this…whatever the fuck this is. I don’t.  Have a chance.  And I wish people would stop acting like I do, like I’m not a complete fucking joke.  Stop taking me seriously; I don’t.

I’m treading water, in the same place, always, and I just want to fucking drown already.

I’m tired of being such a fuckup at everything.  My life…other women my age have jobs, careers, husbands, children.  I have none of those things, and they say you shouldn’t compare yourself to other people, that you should live your own life and be happy with what you have…

I am thankful for what I have, because it’s so much more than so many other people have.  I shouldn’t complain.  All this shit’s in my head, it’s not even real, so I should just shut the fuck up about it.  I should.  But I won’t.  Because I’m childish, and whiny, and someone really needs to, I don’t know, kick the shit out of me.

I don’t want a husband, or children, but I would like to feel like I’m not completely pointless, like suicide is the next logical step on my path.  That’s not a good feeling.