11-04-04

I find the hail distracting.  What a bloody miserable night.  What a bloody miserable life.

A few days ago my piano teacher of 5 years passed away.  He was the singular most important influence on my music, and most of the skill I demonstrate on any instrument I owe to him.  His death was completely unexpected.  We were in the middle of a song. 

I don’t know what to feel sometimes.  Sometimes I’m overwhelmed by grief at what could have happened, what never happened, and what never will.  At what I’ll never have again.  Sometimes I feel horribly selfish and like a total dick.  Sometimes I feel nothing.  As I type this, I’ve blocked everything out.  No emotion. 

It’s so strange, I’m never going to have another piano lesson, never going to play that piano again, never joke about me being the better musician.  You don’t realize these things until it’s too late.

I guess I’m angry, too.

I haven’t been able to write about it until now.  I’ve tried to be unaffected, like they expect me to, but it hurts more than I let on.  I broke down at work in a pure display of weakness and poor self-control.

At the same time, I don’t know what I should feel.  I don’t know if I’m upset enough, or too much.  I don’t know what I should do to memoralize him.  I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if it will be enough.

I feel like such a bastard for not going to either of the memorial services, but I couldn’t.