10-19-04

Every moment I’m not doing anything feels like time wasted.  I wish I could relax. 

I’m such a fucking coward, hiding from myself here.  I could write this in my livejournal, but I don’t want them to know.  I tell myself it’s for their own good.  Really, I know I’m just too afraid of my “friends” reactions to the bullshit I constantly spew out.

Today, in 3rd hour, I was writing a list of “Potentially Offensive Phrases,” and one of them was: “Let’s drop-kick old people.”  One of my friends suggested that someday, when I’m old, that I’ll have to drop-kick myself.  I looked into her seemingly blank and innocent (are people ever as innocent as we want them to be?  As we think they are?) face and couldn’t bring myself to say what had first come to my mind:  I’m never going to be old.

Dying young has always been part of the plan.  Every year that passes astounds me.  I honestly never thought I’d make it to 17.  I’m only a few months from adulthood, now.  I never, in my wildest dreams, imagined I’d ever be this old. 

I guess it disturbs people that I plan to die young.  It’s an uncomfortable subject.  I’ve never wanted to be old.  Growing old is my greatest fear.  To watch myself deteriorate, losing my sight and hearing, getting arthritis, and going senile…it would be torture.  I have one goal to accomplish on this planet, and once my purpose for living is gone, when I have everything I’ve ever wanted…there isn’t a REASON to live anymore. 

Of course, there’s the possibility that I will never find what I’m looking for, or that it will take the natural duration of my life to find it.  I wonder if I’ll just give up.  I’ve always been a bit of a quitter.

I just had to get this off my chest, it’s been bothering me since 11 this morning.