10/18/2011

 It’s almost 11:00, and it’s the latest I’ve managed to stay up in weeks.  Usually it’s bed by 9:30, 10:00 at the latest.  I see no point in staying awake, and sleep offers the chance at a pleasant non-reality.

My mood flat-lined somewhere between “I don’t want to live” and “I want to kill myself” a couple of weeks ago.  Probably about the beginning of the month, although it feels like it was longer ago.  It’s funny how that works out.

I saw one of my favorite bands last Wednesday—Blue October.  I should have been excited, or something.  But there was nothing.  Not a damn thing.  If anything, it felt like a bit of a chore, standing around with all those people, staying upright for so long, and being awake past 9:30.  Halfway through their set, I just wanted to go home.

I realized I’ve missed most of October—it’s my favorite month—holed up inside.  I meant to do things, like walk the dog, rake the leaves, and decorate for Halloween but I don’t care. 

All I do is study, to varying degrees of effectiveness.  And sleep.

My sister’s boyfriend proposed a couple of weeks ago.  The wedding is supposed to be next October. 

I tell people that I want to be a vet and they tell me I’m wasting my time.  At my age, I should be settling down, getting a “real” job and having kids.  I should be done with school.  I know that.  I know that, compared to other people my age, I’m a giant fucking loser.  I don’t need any help in figuring that out, thanks.

I don’t need any help at all.