09/08/2012

I went down to the beach today and I watched the storms rolling in across the lake.  I was supposed to be observing wildlife, but it was so quiet, so still, so empty.  I was alone, without even a seagull or a crow to keep me company.  It was peaceful.  But I couldn’t relax.

I don’t know what I want.  I think it might be nothing.  It might be something.  But nothing sounds good.

I actually don’t know what I want.  The apathy is…not who I am.  I don’t think?  I used to be very passionate.  I knew what I wanted to do with my life, I knew who I was, I knew what I believed.  Now, I can’t even form an opinion.

The cuts on my legs are scabbing over and I keep saying it’s the last time.  It should be.  It doesn’t help, hasn’t helped in years, and I know that.

Fuck, most of the time I don’t even know why I’m doing it. 

I can’t sleep, again.  Bed’s uncomfortable, maybe, or maybe it’s just being me that’s the problem.

I did hear back from OkCupid boy.  He’s still interested, apparently, and that’s terrifying.  I was pretty unequivocal about the trust issues.  I specifically said, “I have trust issues of such magnitude that they have prevented me from ever pursuing any kind of meaningful relationship in my life.”  I don’t think I could be much more blunt. 

Part of me wants to try this, though, and that’s terrifying too.  Because that’s not who I am. 

I’m not a person who wants relationships.  I had to beat that out of myself when it became clear that I was never going to have relationships.  There’s no point in wanting what you can never have, right?

The idea of sharing my time, my life, my space with another person actually sends me reeling towards panic.  I cannot do this.  I cannot leave myself open to that.  You let people in, you build yourself around them, then they leave, and you’re left with these gaping holes that nothing can fill.

The point is, I’m autonomous .  Or something.  And I have no idea what to do with other people.  I might be learning.  Or, learning to learn.  It’s a tiny step forward.  But I don’t know if it’s going to be enough.

I can’t expect people to coddle me while I try to figure out the shit that everyone else my age had worked out over a decade ago.