08/27/2012

I have my first genetics class in a bit less than 10 hours.  I should be sleeping.  I’m not.  I can’t. 

Spent most of the day…depersonalized?  Dissociated?  Thinking of ways to kill myself, feeling the drag of Lake Superior in my blood.  I don’t know why drowning is such  a strong ideation for me.  But it always has been. 

I stole some of my mom’s pain meds.  This makes me both a shitty daughter and, quite possibly, a drug addict.  I’ve been in denial about that for a long time.  It’s not like I do “real” drugs.  Except, well, now. 

I think I’m going to try and convince my doctor that I have ADD.  Actually, I might have ADD.  I took an online quiz that seemed to indicate as much.  The point is, though, that I really want to be on amphetamines.  This is probably not the best idea I’ve ever had. 

I went to my cousin’s wedding this weekend.  It was nice.  Lots of God.  It was hard, though, because it made me think about how I’m never going to get married, never going to find a life partner, never going to find a person who can tolerate my presence for more than 24 seconds at a time.

And that’s okay.

Really, it is.

Okay, it’s not.  But, it’s irrelevant that it’s not okay, so it might as well be okay.

That’s my new way of looking at things.  It’s kind of optimistic, actually. 

I didn’t cut myself, or try to break myself, or even try to drown myself today.  So I think it was a good day.

It wasn’t a good day, but that’s irrelevant, so it might as well have been a good day.

Good night.