08/12/2012

There’s no logic to any of it.

There’s no good reason to keep a box cutter in the medicine cabinet.

There’s no real reason to check and see if the bar in my closet could bear my weight.

It could.

The bruises will fade.  The scratches will heal.

Mostly I don’t even try.

Sometimes I can write it out, take it out on the characters.  Sometimes I can barely manage to type 100 words before I’m falling the fuck apart.

I don’t think in terms of “recovering” any more.  I think in percentages.  64% free from self-harm today.  84% free from cutting myself. 

100% free from committing suicide, though.  At least I get an ‘A’ there.

I’m so angry, and bored, and I want to be alone more than anything.

But I’m 100% free from lashing out.

I went walking by the lake yesterday.  With a cold front moving in, the waves were impressive.

I am 100% free from drowning myself, but maybe only 46% free from wanting to.