07/03/2011

I haven’t done anything productive today.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  I tidied up the house a little bit, since it was kind of messy after last night’s impromptu “let’s get drunk” event.

My sister left today.  I’ve been crying more or less since 2:30 this afternoon.  The hysterical sobbing only lasted 20 minutes, so I was impressed with that.  Now I just tear up every time I think of something I’m going to miss.  You probably think I’m being ridiculous, but I’m not.  Well, maybe I am.  But I’m not just losing my sister, I’ve lost my best friend and my parent as well.  Even though she’s only two years older than me, she’s been more of a parent figure to me than my parents ever were.  When they were too busy wasting their money on cigarettes and (in my dad’s case) liquor, my sister paid for me to take college admission tests and go on school trips.  We’ve been living together for the last 6 years, and during that time we’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve always worked together.  Now I’m alone.

It doesn’t help that, at the moment, I am literally alone.  Sister’s BF drove up north with her for the weekend.  I couldn’t afford to make the trip.  At least I have the pets.  They’re surprisingly good company, considering they don’t talk.  I imagine my sister is going to be pretty lonely without the pets.  I intended to send our cats to her once she got her own place, but I honestly don’t think I’m strong enough to do that.  I am quite lonely now, though.  I don’t really have any friends, and it’s at moments like this that I almost regret that. 

My idiot neighbors are setting off fireworks.  I’m not really in the mood to celebrate the signing of a stupid, whiny piece of paper.  Oh, sorry, I mean, “Yay USA!”

This is probably the saddest I’ve ever been, actually.  I didn’t cry this much when I moved 350 miles away from my parents.  I guess, for a few months after moving out of my parents house, I had nights where I’d cry myself to sleep, missing the feeling of “home.”  But I’ve never cried for 8 straight hours before.  I’m beginning to have concerns about staying hydrated.

All I want to do is sleep.  For about the next year.  Because this isn’t going to get better overnight.  Tomorrow I’m going to wake up in an empty house and have to get through the day, alone.  Trying to adjust to be a single person instead of part of a pair, a team.  Only one person in my life really mattered, and now she’s gone.