06/09/2012

So, now that my doctor’s appointment is 10 days away instead of 3 months, it’s time to start cowering back from everything I intended to do.

At least, it feels that way.

I want to be “strong” and go through with the whole honesty thing, but it’s so hard when being “strong” is really admitting weakness.  I’m not sure that’s strong.  And I’m not sure it’s right.

If I can hold it together, I’m obviously not that “sick.”  And I don’t want to be a bother, with therapy and medications I can’t afford.  I don’t even drive, so I can’t take myself to appointments.  I don’t want to involve other people because I can’t stomach the thought of being “taken care of.”  I’m an adult, I can’t act like one, so leave me alone in my shame and uselessness.

I was reading a blog today and getting pissed off.  It was written by a woman who was well over 300 lbs about how she’s “healthy,” no diabetes, no blood pressure problems, no cholesterol issues.  So, she doesn’t need to lose weight.  It’s just not fair.  I’m down about 25 lbs from my heaviest weight, and I am seeing any health benefits?  Nope.  Still fucking diabetic.  Still exactly as disgusting and sick as I was 25 lbs ago.  At least my blood pressure’s always been fine.

I guess I just got the lucky draw for my meat sack body.  Total lemon.  Crapped out on me at 14; what’s the point of even trying?

Of course, I intended on being dead by 18.  Maybe my meat sack just came with an earlier expiration date than everyone else’s.

I have a bug bite on my hip that’s approximately the size of texas, and that’s pissing me off.  I need to find hydrocortisone cream.  And something tall to fling myself off.

Sigh.