03/25/2012

I went to see the doctor last Monday.  It went better than I expected, but then, with my expectations, that’s not actually hard.  We had a really long discussion about my medication, vitamin d, and some other things.  I didn’t say anything about my “issues,” but after our conversation, I feel like I might be able to.  This is a step forward.  I don’t trust people, especially doctors, so finding one who I might actually be able to be honest with is astounding me. 

I’ve been trying to eat better and exercise more, to help my new medicine function better.  It’s been going pretty dismally.  Exercise is traumatic for me.  After so many years of being mocked and degraded, engaging in physical activity is really hard.  I’m so self-conscious, it makes doing anything strenuous difficult.  The food thing is hard, too, because food is the one comfort I have.  Sadly, it’s often the only thing I have to look forward to in a day.  I recognize this is an issue, but I don’t know what to do about it.

I’ve decided I should try to give up the self-harm, as well, and that’s been more difficult than the diet and exercise combined.  I am concerned that nixing all of these things at once may actually drive me crazy.  Removing both food and self-harm leaves me with 0 coping mechanisms, and I’ve already noticed my temper becoming shorter and my moods darkening.  It’s been 6 days.  It’s been 8 days since I last self-harmed, not a record by any means, but it’s a conscious decision this time.  I’ve told myself “no” and stuck to it.

I don’t know how long that’s going to last.

I’m going back in 3 months.  I have until then to work up courage.  Right now, I am feeling more and more like I can do this, but I know I’ll falter.  I always do.