03/10/2012

I made an appointment to see my physician on the 19th.  I have been debating since I made the appointment on how to “play” it.  This is likely unnecessary, as I will proceed in exactly the same way I always do: immediately shut down to get through with the least amount of effort and stress.

I took a quiz online today, “Do You Need Therapy.”  The answer was, amazingly, no.  Perhaps it asked the wrong questions.  Or, maybe, I’m just not as fucked up as I think I am. 

I’ve been thinking about it, and I don’t think I’m depressed.  The only symptoms of depression that I exhibit are feelings of worthlessness and hopelessness, and suicidal ideation.  More importantly, there is no impairment in functioning.  I am getting straight A’s in school, I shower twice a day, I keep the house clean, and I take care of the pets.  All things are under control.

Control.

I am an immensely private person.  I have no close relationships, because no one who knew what I was could accept me.  I lie to everyone I know, constantly.  I lie to myself.  I do not even know who I am, below the masks and lies and carefully constructed character.  I am a non-person, a fake person, and so I will remain in perpetuity.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel, no hope, nothing will change.

Control.

For my efforts, my performance, I get stability.  I get the image of family, a facsimile of love, but mostly I get stability.  A consistent place to lay my head, a hearth, and with work, maybe a home.

Control.

I’ve thought a thousand thousand times that it would kill me.  That I would break under the pressure, fracture and fissure, but I haven’t.  I haven’t, and I won’t.  I am stronger than I think I am, and I have it all under Control. 

So, in 9 days time, when my doctor asks why I’ve come to see him, I will say that I need my prescription renewed, and that is all.  There is no depression, no self-mutilation, no personality disorders, unusual phobias, or raging, eternal emptiness.  Those things don’t matter, because I have them under control.