02/20/2013

I just suck at everything.

I’m not sure what happened, or when it happened, but I just…suck.

I’m not smart enough, or capable enough, or something enough to do anything.

College is in no way preparing me for real life.  And I don’t even care about it.  I don’t know what I keep going.  It’s a waste of money.  But there’s nothing else I can do, since I suck at everything.

All I’m good at is whining.  The world would actually be a better place if I got hit by a meteor.

I suppose that’s not as amusing this week as it was last week.  Oh well.

I can hope for a meteor.  Although the odds of that happening again are fairly low.

My complete lack of skills is startling, considering how supposedly ‘intelligent’ I am.  Just goes to show that intelligence is fucking worthless, if you’re a useless fucking twat like I am.  I wish I could donate my IQ points to someone who could actually use them. 

All I really do is waste money.  I have life insurance, so I’m actually worth more if I die.  I’m worth nothing right now.  Well, I have like $300 in the bank, I could put it towards…something.  I should donate it.

I don’t need money.

I just hate myself, and it’s exhausting.  Being this pathetic, and stupid, and ugly. 

I wish I’d died in 2010.  That would have been ideal.  If I’d died then, it would have been a tragic suicide of someone full of potential.  Now it’d just be the sad suicide of a 20-something loser with no life prospects.  Fuck it, it wouldn’t even be sad. 

Probably my parents would be sad.  My sister.  But that’s about it.  And I’m at a point where I wouldn’t mind hurting my parents, because I’m starting to understand exactly how badly they hurt me.  Fuck them.  They couldn’t be bothered to do more than a half-assed job raising me, the fuck do they expect?

I’m just tired.  Of pretending that I give a shit about anything.  Of doing the same shit all the time.  I want to do…I don’t even know.  There’s nothing I want to do.  I don’t want to go to school, I don’t want to write.  I don’t even want to sit and home and play video games all day.  There is nothing that I care about enough to commit to.  I don’t want to be a vet, or a doctor, or an anthropologist.  I don’t want to be a writer or a musician or fuck, anything. 

I mean, my existence is just pointless.  I’m asexual, so I’m never going to get married or have kids.  I’m a pathetic piece of shit, so I’m never going to contribute anything of value to the world.  From a strictly cost-benefit point of view, my life is a bad thing. 

And I don’t care enough about it to do anything about it.  But I’m too scared and weak to end it so I keep on going  and whining  just wishing for someone to come along and gank me.

I looked it up.  Apparently taking a hit out on someone costs like $10,000. 

I’d like to think, that if I had $10,000, I would do something more productive than take a hit out on myself.