02/18/2012

 They say (whoever they are) that we can only control our own actions, and not the actions of others.  Thus, we can take control of our lives, have agency, and power, and all kinds of self-help empowerment bullshit.

I control my actions, but unfortunately my life is populated by more people than just me.

So, when my aunt decides to blow up her apartment and kill her cats and very nearly (and still possibly) herself, this affects my life.  I had no control over that, and yet, here it is. 

Or did I truly have no control?

There are things I could have done.  Certainly, there are things that a whole slew of people could have done, but I can only control my actions and not theirs, right?  I could have done quite a few things that might have prevented this whole thing.  Simply visiting my aunt and chastising her for smoking while on oxygen very well might have been enough.  I could have advocated to have her put in a home, or to hire a live-in aid, or I could have become her live-in aid myself. 

But I didn’t think of any of these things, because I was too busy thinking about myself.  I didn’t spare her a thought, because she’s an adult and can take of herself.

Except clearly, she can’t.

I should have been a better person.  I should have forced her useless brothers and sisters to be better people, because I am a responsible person.  I knew she shouldn’t be living alone—I’ve said as much a number of times.  I knew she was incompetent.  It’s no secret.  She is constantly overdosing on her meds, either intentionally or not, and is in the hospital every 2 ½ seconds.  She is incompetent, I knew it, and I did nothing.

I didn’t light up the cigarette that torched my aunt’s apartment.  But through my inaction, I feel I am culpable.  Our lives are not little islands, distinct and separate from each other.  We are all entwined.  It’s certainly easier to do nothing and say, “oh, she can take care of herself,” or “it’s not my responsibility.”  But it’s not moral, and it’s not okay.

I have not been a good person.  I have not even been an okay person.  I have been a selfish and irresponsible person, and so has every other fucking useless person in my fucking useless family.