02/12/2012

It occurred to me, today, that it’s not normal to assume that no one cares about you in the slightest.  It is also not normal to believe that it is not only for the best, but is in fact absolutely necessary, to always keep your thoughts and feelings to yourself.

Other people talk about things.

But I don’t talk. I hardly talk at all anymore, and I don’t write. 

There’s no point, or there’s nothing to say, or most frequently the two collide. 

I made myself an appointment to see my doctor next month, but only to get my prescription refilled.  I thought about the other shit, all this other shit, but when the receptionist asked, “and what do you need to be seen for?” I didn’t talk.  There’s no point, or there’s nothing to say.

I don’t feel like I’m real.  This feeling of fading is becoming more pronounced.  I am doing my best to become nothing. 

There is no one who cares, and no one who can help.  People have this funny idea that your friends and family should accept you for who you are.  That is a lie.  Maybe they should, but they don’t.  Or won’t.  My friends and family do not even know who I am.  They do not know me in the slightest way.  They know who they want to know.  Who I let them know.

At some point, I decided having these half-relationships was better than being alone, but now I think otherwise.  I thought that everyone needed someone, but that was wrong.  All people do is leech off you, sucking away your energy, and using you until you have given everything you can.  Then they can walk away and leave you lying crippled and alone.  You end up alone either way, so do not let those fuckers in. 

I just hate them all so much.  All the people who take from me.  No.  They don’t take from me.  They just let me give and give.  I acquiesced to this treatment, I signed my name, and so their conscience is clean.  They have nothing to feel bad for.  I’m just pathetic, worthless.  Unable to stand up for myself for a SECOND, and that’s how everyone likes it.  It’s how they want it.  It’s my fault they use me.  It’s an ideal situation!  I’M weak, I’M spineless, so I DESERVE to be used.  There’s no crime in that.

There is no one on my side.  I am not even on my own side.

I do not know the slightest thing about self-preservation.  I do not know how to feel anything except loathing and contempt for myself.  I don’t know how to love myself, to care for myself, and that’s just fine.  It doesn’t matter in the slightest that I hate myself, that I think my life is worthless, that I can’t talk about ANYTHING to ANYONE…It doesn’t matter, as long as I keep giving, and giving, and giving. 

What a pathetic piece of shit this is.