Real entry

Thought you all might like something other than surveys, however, they were good for getting me out of bitch about the kids mode.  It’s been a theme, you know?  And besides, you learn something about me from those surveys.  Truthfully though, they ARE just fluff, aren’t they?  Fluffy fluff.

So I’m actually considering giving up breast feeding, or maybe just going down to feeding in the morning and at night.  Comfort nursing, if you will.  The main thing that keeps me from doing this is the fact that I REALLY wanted to make it to a year, and while I WILL be breast feeding, comfort nursing is NOT what I had in mind.  So far I haven’t done it.  One thing I may do though, is quit worrying about the night time feedings.  She’s doing well on solids, she WILL sleep through the night, so why not let her?  I could use a solid 6-8 hours of sleep.  I really could.  If it dips my supply, so be it.  It’s the ONLY thing I really want, and actually the only thing that makes me want to give up.  I don’t know that it’s unreasonable.  I also don’t know that I can’t have my sleep and my breast feeding too.  It WOULD help if wasn’t putting her down at 8 and getting to sleep at 2 myself.  

I believe in signs.  I do.  I don’t know who or what sends them, but I believe in them.  God, or the Universe, maybe even ourselves, send us signals, "signs" that we need to DO something.  Well, the other night, I was chatting with Just Brandie (one of my faves) and she told me I should check out these ODers, John and his husband (forget his name), obviously a gay couple… so I did.  Well, John is a writer.  My "favorite fave" if you will, Darkness Evades, is also a writer, and doing a damn FINE job at it too (she even writes as a guy, and people believe it’s a guy writing it.  She’s GOOD), then we have another fave, who told me I should go write for these web sites.  Hm…. I am sensing a pattern of sorts here.  I am SO envious of Darkness Evades… woman has a published book.  So John has been writing about his novel, and a publisher to avoid, and what kind of writer he is.  And I was reading his entry, and something, a voice, said "You need to get started."  And I just GROANED and said "Give me a break, no!"  I am TERRIFIED.  I am so scared of… what, rejection?  Of not knowing where to begin?  Of not being organized enough to write an outline, then follow it up with a novel?  Of not having any good ideas?  I’m NOT a bad writer.  I’m not.  I’ve been told I’m actually pretty good.  But to write a story, something outside of my life… well, it’s sort of like acting for me… I don’t know how to be anything other than myself.  At least,  I THINK that is the problem.  I could probably write technical stuff… but it doesn’t excite me.  I’m NOT asking myself to write the Great American Novel.  No, just to write SOMETHING though, would be good.  Something other than this diary, which is good therapy, and not a bad place to hone the skills.  I just need to channel my experiences into something other than this.  

And I’ve really got to do something more with my life.  I’m happy being a mom.  I am.  And it’s NOT like I want it all.  But when you’ve held onto a dream for 20+ years, you… meaning me (I) should probably give some serious consideration to DOING something about it!  I mean, I don’t NORMALLY think of myself as a loser.  But someone who just will NOT even try, not even put themselves OUT there, is little more than a loser.  I keep having this dream, where I’m supposed to go to a math class.  And I NEVER make it to this math class in my dream.  I can never find the classroom, I’m terrified of the math, and by the time I finally go, I’m HOPELESSLY lost.  I’m failing math.  I have this dream OVER and OVER.  It bugs the SHIT out of me that I have this dream so often.  My intrepretation of the dream is that there is something I am not doing with my life, that I need to be doing.  For the record, I hate math.  I think beyond basic math that you need to function, math is useless.  I don’t even understand why I have to take this class, in the dream.  However, usually I simply can’t find the classroom.  Math, it also terrifies me.  God, I hate this dream.  I love to write.  I cannot, however, bring myself to write anything other than this diary.  I’ve yet to figure out why.  And I’ve had people tell me "Just write."  And I think about what they say, and then I simply DON’T write.  Sometimes I wonder if the dream means I should go get a job, and in my head, it probably does.  But the piece where I’m failing math… well, I can only assume that to me means I’m failing my life.  There’s just so much I feel like I OUGHT to be doing, and am not doing it.  I quite simply don’t understand why I am standing in my own way.  And that IS exactly what I am doing.  I am not even trying.  I mean, even if I wrote something and it was just CRAP, at least I would be trying.  I would be giving myself a chance to get better.  What the HELL is wrong with me?  Am I lazy?  I can’t answer that question honestly.  I think there are ways in which I am.  I want to say I’m not.  Jerry would probably disagree with me.  So maybe I am.  But this isn’t about laziness, because I’ll do anything which I view to be my job.  I will do anything which I love.  I think maybe I just need to start.  I think I don’t know where to start, and it scares me.  I think if I just say to hell with it, I’m going to do it, I’m going to at least TRY to do it, in whatever way I CAN do it, whatever way simply gets me started writing (meaning, without an outline…for now anyway.)  I think that is the way to go about it.  I think the other thing is to make it my "job."  Whether it pays or not, whether I ever write something good enough to publish, I just need to set aside time that would be considered my writing time.  I may have to work two jobs, lol… my mommy job, and my writing job.  But I often work well with self imposed deadlines, so why not do that?  I think I have to get it out of my head that I can’t do it because I might somehow fail.  I think I need to do it in the same spirit as when I entered that wet t-shirt contest… put myself out there w/ a sense of pride.  

Honest to God, what have I *REALLY* got to lose?  My life will very likely be the better for it.  Even if I NEVER sell one book.  At least I can say, Hey, I tried.

And with that, it’s nearly 2 a.m.  I’ve GOT to go try to get some sleep (had a couple of diet dr peppers tonight… BIG mistake.)

Odd.  I feel happy, very happy.  And I’ve yet to actually start writing.  But I think I may have just removed myself from my own way.  I sure as heck hope so.&nb

sp; No… I KNOW so.  I’ll begin tomorrow.