Ready for “something”

Maybe it’s just that I’m tired.  I don’t know.  I have had been "single mom" today, since it’s currently 8:20 with no sign of Jerry, nor has he called.  That’s not unusual.  He gets wrapped up in things, and doesn’t call.  I usually don’t even worry about it, in fact, I usually don’t even THINK about it.  I left a message earlier, telling him that dinner was lasagna and for dessert we had brownies (okay, today I BLEW it food wise, I should have gone for a walk or something… maybe I can trek it up and down the stairs a bit or something.)  He didn’t cal, so I don’t even know if he got the message.

Anyway, I’ve spent tonight reading diaries, just randomly, mostly pregnant teen’s diaries… don’t know why, just was.  Ever since I was a teen myself, teen pregnancy has fascinated me.  Except for the fact that I was TERRIFIED of sex when I was a teen, so never had sex until I was about 19, I used to wonder if I could "let" myself get pregnant as a teen.  When I got married to Gregg, well, before, even, we stopped using any sort of protection, because I think we both didn’t care if we got pregnant, and I was 21 or 22… not a teen, but still young.  We didn’t get pregnant.  Gregg didn’t think he COULD have children, and it looks as though his doctors were right.  So we never had children, which in hindsight, was probably a good thing, though I wanted them SO badly.  

Man, I’m in a strange mood tonight.  I’m just feeling rambly… I wrote some stuff, then deleted it.  I hate that I feel like I have to censor myself on OD… but people can be so judgemental… I can’t take the nasty comments I get sometimes.  Not with the way my moods fluctuate.

Anyway, with my feeling of ready for something, it has always been linked to wanting to be pregnant, in the past, but I AM pregnant, so what am I waiting for?  Maybe I’m just feeling cooped up.  I didn’t go anywhere today, was pretty happy just to NOT do a whole lot.  Dinner and brownies, and brunch this morning were about all I felt up to… the girls and I watched "Toy Story" up here tonight… I helped Sydni with her homework earlier tonight, "yes’d" just about every request from Becca for scrapbooking supplies for her schoolwork (except for my chalk… she just about ruined it last time, and she and Sydni have their own chalk, bought together wtih their allowances…)  and Shabree took a nap, and woke up cranky as ALL get out from it… she barely wanted to eat dinner, and I had to bribe her with brownies to get her downstairs to eat.   At least she finished her dinner… and it was a small brownie. 

I’m tired…didn’t get a nap today, and yet, I do NOT feel like going to sleep… probably because Jerry’s not here.  I could SO be scrapbooking, but I haven’t felt like doing that in ages.  I need to, too… still have so many swaps hanging over my head.

Well, I guess this isn’t going anywhere, so I’ll just sign off.