Offline

I give up on trying to put this above the tickers.  I need to make a space in the template, but I’m not going to do it now. 

The other day, our tv stopped working…so the guy came out and fixed it on Sunday.  Weird, but cool that they work on Sunday.  So I was hooking up the PC for school, and I could get a low signal from the computer, but it wouldn’t go online.  The guy left, and I went to get on my mac, and I realized…. NO INTERNET!  Crap.  THEN, I realized, no phone either!  Double crap!  Thankfully, the treadmill I’d freecycled had been picked up while the cable guy was here, so that wasn’t of concern, and the baby stuff was promised as well to be picked up this morning (and it was picked up)  So we called Comcast, and there was an HOUR wait.  An hour!  An automated message asked if we’d like a call back in an hour?  Sure… press 1, and hang up.  Well, two hours later I realize… no call back.  We finally get a call back about 3, 3 and a half hours after our original call…. and it put us on hold.  Oh yea.  Then Jerry accidentally hangs up!  Oops.  He tried to call back, but was put into hold hell, and figured their office was probably closed, who knew?  So we called this morning, and there was already a trouble ticket (?) in, so we had someone out here today… promised time between 2 and 4, show up time, definitely 4 or after, I cannot say for sure honestly.  No, it was right around 4.  The guy yesterday was late.

So he reconnected the wire the guy disconnected yesterday, and was on his merry way.  Took him about 10 minutes.  Sigh.

So I spent my offline time backing up files to DVD, cleared about 16 GB off one hard drive, and another GB or so off the main hard drive (the one the system runs from), and I put the PC back… it promised not to wipe my files, but it lied.  They’re all gone.  Probably because I had them on the desktop, and not in my personal folders.  Oh well, I backed up everything I thought I wanted, though God knows I probably missed a bunch of files.  But I think I got the ones that mattered… pretty sure I can collect all my fonts again, not too worried about that.  I probably have them on this computer.  I had too many fonts anyway, so that’s fine.  I can reinstall my favorites and leave it at that.  CK Diva.. must get that one.

It wasn’t so bad being offline.  I got a bunch of exercise in today, around 2 hours worth.  Though honestly, I blew it tonight on the diet.  Emotional eating.  Well, not necessarily, I was offered KFC, and I NEVER turn down KFC, diet or not.

However, let me begin at the beginning then.  Eh, I don’t know where to begin.  I got into a fight with Jerry and stormed out of the house.  I’d already planned to go shopping with Kim, I was just supposed to be there an hour later.  So when I got there, she offered me KFC, and I said "Hell yea."  Sigh.  Whatever.  I don’t really want to rehash the fight, suffice it to say, Shabree complained about the older girls making her watch tv that was uncomfortable for her, they didn’t want to change the channel, so I told them to turn it off.  Jerry questioned how that was fair, and I blew up.  Of course, I am tired of having everything I do when it comes to those girls questioned, and I’m tired of him treating me like one of the children, and I’m tired of being patronized, and I’m stressed out from ALWAYS having the girls, I’ve been needing a break for a few weeks now and not getting it, so it all made me just really angry, and I pretty much stormed out.  He says I was acting childish.  I told him I was sick of him treating me like a child.

Anyway, it was good, because I left all the kids here, even Shabree, whose whining I couldn’t have stood anyway.  That girl!  Not a day goes by without her complaning or whining or getting mad about something.  I’m so sick of it.  I seriously want her to just shut up.  I’m TRYING to be nice, and supportive and be a good mom, but she’s seriously on the nerves, and I’m not sure how much more I can take.  And I swear to God, if Becca doesn’t start treating them nicer, ALL of them, I’m gonna lose my damn mind.  I find that I don’t even LIKE her, she’s just so damn mean all the time.  She’s such a bitch.  She’s 14, and she’s entitled to her moods, but she’s just so damn MEAN and snotty, and demanding towards Sammi.  We never did find out what was wrong with Sammi’s leg, but we suspect it’s the tendon.  Otherwise, the doctor would have called sooner (keep in mind, we had NO phone today until after 5ish.)  Though I just checked voice mail, and they didn’t call today either.  FREAKING DOCTOR!!!  Anyway, that’s not the point.  Sammi still can’t stand on the leg.  She crawls, she can push against your hand, but she can’t stand up, and says it hurts when she does.  Well, Bec has taken it upon herself to MAKE Sammi stand up, but she does it in such a way… telling Sammi that she CAN stand up, and she’s just being a brat.  OMG.  Sammi is NEVER a brat.  Well, sometimes she refuses to put away the silverware, and she can be stubborn, but she’s really just a calm centered kid with a mind of her own.  Maybe sometimes she can throw a tantrum, but she’s 2, it’s to be expected.  She’s really a good kid, and I think if she could stand on the leg, she would.  I think it’s more just Bec’s way of FORCING Sammi to do what Sammi’s not really ready to do.  And it’s her usual power tripping.  And my other thing is that Bec never stops.  We can ask, tell, yell, take away privledges, send her to her room, whatever, her behavior does NOT change.  Shabree will say "Guess what Bec?  I lost 5 pounds!" and Bec’s response is a very sarcastic "Yay."  She could obviously be LESS thrilled.  Shabree can say "Bec I love you." and Bec will say "Great."  in that same tone of voice.  She and Syd were tormenting Shabree today, and Shabree asked them three times to please stop before she finally yelled Shut up, and then she got in trouble for saying shut up (from me).  Not that ANY of them can get along anyway.  They just have no respect for each other.  Shabree tries to get Bec to like her, and Bec can’t stand Shabree, she makes it very obvious that she does not like Shabree, that nothing Shabree does will make her happy, that nothing Shabree says will make her happy.  It makes me very sad.  She treats Syd in much the same manner, but Syd doesn’t go around TRYING to make Becca like her, like Shabree does, and it breaks my heart to see Shabree treated like that when Shabree is just trying to win Becca’s affection.  She’s

never gonna get it, and I wish Shabree would stop trying, and that she would realize how horrible Becca is to her and just accept that Becca practically hates Shabree because she’s her sister.  I hate to see it happen, but Becca is alienating them, and she doesn’t care that she’s doing it.  The other thing that really is breaking my heart is that Syd is following in her footsteps and acting just like her, though not as bad.  She just enjoys tormenting Shabree along with Bec.  They get a kick out of getting a rise out of her.

And Shabree is turning out to be a really, REALLY sensitive kid.  As I suppose most intelligent little girls who get no love from their sisters would.  I suppose I’m no help, because I have a nasty habit of mocking Syd and Shabree when they do or say something stupid, so they’ll hear just how stupid they sound, but I’m being mean without really thinking about it.  It hurts their feelings, but Shabree’s get hurt worse.

Anyway… tomorow is the intake (FINALLY!) for the psychologist, I do hope this helps Syd and Shabree.  The last time we went, the keys got locked in the car while we were getting gas, so we were half an hour late, so they rescheduled.  Shabree cried because it didn’t happen, and she’s been hanging a lot of hope on it helping her feel better about things.  God, I hope so. 

I’m so tired.  I’m physically tired, I’m emotionally tired… I’m just tired tired.  It took every ounce of willpower I had tonight not to buy a box of golden oreos and eat them all on the way home from Kim’s.  I feel so depressed.  I feel again like nothing I do is right, like I’m worthless to this family, and I wonder if I should even be here.  Gees, Jerry even managed to get the internet hooked up without me here to do it… his buddy/business partner told him how to do it, and it was of course, easy, no problem.  So he doesn’t even need me here as tech support.  I feel like I do more harm than good, and I just hate that I can’t even buy their love (okay, that was HALF a joke… ok?  Not funny, I know.  But it’s true in a way… at least once upon a time, I could take Shabree to McDonald’s almost every morning and buy us breakfast then bond as she played…. it was fun for her, and not so bad for me either.  It really was good bonding time and I miss it.  Money may not buy love, but it does buy bonding experiences… sigh.  I’m so sick of this situation.  Please let Jerry find a job or close a deal… God, you listening?  Anyone?)

Yea… I definitely feel worthless around here.  And with him questioning everything I do and telling me how I could do it better, and also getting on me for my eating habits and telling me if I’m not careful I’m going to gain 5 pounds in a week….

I could cry.  I should not hate my life as much as I do… and now with this whole home schooling thing… oh Lord.  I’m GOING to make it work.  It must work.  But I gotta be truthful and admit that I’m pretty scared at this point.  Excited, and scared.  I’m not exactly feeling the love for my children… sigh (again dammit!  I feel like what the HELL is wrong with me?  Why am I not stronger than this?  But I feel SO depressed…)