Not sure what I want to say….

Over the last week, I’ve stopped breast feeding Alex.  I HAD to do something about my face…turns out I have Roseacea… heck, I spelled that wrong.  I’ll see about doing a spell check before I’m done.  Hm… well, it’s not IN the dictionary, so maybe I didn’t spell it wrong, maybe it just doesn’t recognize the word.  Anyway, so it makes my face all red, gives me BAD acne, makes me look… sunburned.  It’s definitely gotten worse.  Problem was, I couldn’t treat it and breast feed.  The meds all…ALL leak out into breast milk.  I told my doctor that I was there for the medication, and she said, "How do you know you’ve got it?"  I said, "When I took Alex to the dermatologist to see about her warts, she took one look at me and told me I have Roseacea"  She actually handed me a pamphlet…and when I read it, I just sort of sighed…it was me to a T.  And then yesterday was speaking to mom, and SHE got diagnosed with it… and she told HER doctor that her daughter had it, so she figured it might be genetic with her.  Weird, huh?  Mom also told me she had a carcinoma on her face that she’d had to have removed…that scared me a bit.  I’ve gotten pretty careful about using sunscreen, and I NAG my kids about it… Shabree was under the impression that she could not burn, so one day I didn’t chase after her about it, and of COURSE she burned, so I told her what I’d done, and impressed upon her that just because she is dark skinned and tans easily, she cannot…CANNOT go without sun screen.  Even black people should wear sunscreen, cause they can burn too!  And skin cancer isn’t all THAT picky.  So anyway, mom actually scared me a bit for ME, lol… she’s 68, but still… I spent my entire childhood in Colorado, NEVER wearing sunscreen…closer to the sun, spending summers at the pool, no sunscreen, so yea, it’s entirely possible I could end up with skin cancer.  I hope I avoid it, hope what I’ve done in adulthood gives me SOME protection… I guess we’ll see.

Anyway… I let Alex nurse when I knew the meds would wear off, but Jerry told me that was no way to wean her.  Poor kid, she says "Pease Mommy, Pease!"  It’s SOOOO cute!  And heartbreaking.  I don’t WANT to quit…even if she is 2 and what, 4 months?  Yea, 4 months.  

We went to a couple of after garage sale giveaways today, made out like BANDITS… Craigslist RULES!  Actually, we went to 3 of them, and came home with just a ton of clothes, toys, and even a VCR that’s about 20 years old, and still works.  Oh, I also got a bunch of tapes with songs that I just LOVE….should have gone through that box more carefully, but some woman was picking through it, so I just left it and forgot to go back.  Oh well.  Shabree got a little play golf set, Becca got a Project Runway design kit, Syd got a Halloween costume, Shabree did too, but Syd’s been wanting a blond wig, and they had a Hannah Montana wig, some extensions, and a Miley wig…she took it all.  I took all the toddler clothes they had, and was quite thankful for it, that stuff will be perfect for Alex and Sammy… we also got a Dukes of Hazzard model car, some board games, a chess/backgammon set, oh, and I got some witchcraft and spell books!  She said, the Christians took all her books, but refused to take those ones.  I said, Go figure.  I am nearly an athiest (or is it agnostic?) now… I can’t see where God exists, but I don’t have any intentions of becoming Wican either… however, there were spell books in there, and I think I can find use of those, because I DO believe in energy manipulation, and I expect that spells are little more than thoughts becoming things, and energy manipulations, so when I want to make something happen, I might just turn to the spell books and see what they have to offer.  The nice thing about something like that, is that I OUGHT to be able to change things when necessary to make them fit what I have on hand… it’s all in the perception.  

I was talking to Shabree’s best friend’s dad last night, and he was telling me his office should be hiring soon, and the pay STARTS at 3500 a month, plus it’s a State job, so there’s benefits including a pension.  He’s currently a contractor himself, hoping to be made full time.  I’m going to apply, that’s good money for ticket taking and maybe some basic troubleshooting.  And that’s just tier one pay…tier 3 pays 7000 a month!  Holy COW.  And a pension would equal actual money at retirement, not the HOPE of real money at retirement.  My 401k took a BEATING over the last 4 years, sigh and DAMMIT…it’s going to take FOREVER to get that money back.  I’ve got "25" years to retirement, and many of my attempts at a 401k have come to NOTHING.  I mean, I first started saving at 27 years old…I should already have a nice cushion, but that company sent me a freaking check, so that’s gone, most eaten up in taxes, my Apple 401k of course got eaten by the economy, and I haven’t really "worked" for a company in the past 4 that would give me a 401, and even though we tried to set one up for Freedom Solutions, mine didn’t go, I forget why, and if it HAD, Jerry would have liquidated it for paying expenses.  I told him no WAY when he wanted to do it to my Apple 401k…  I must admit to being pissed at having all my work come down to that, and I just wouldn’t let him do it.  First off, *I* earned, and SAVED that money.  I know we’re in this together, but that is MY money, my RETIREMENT money.  What happens if we should divorce, or he dies, or something other happens to separate us?  What do I do then?  It’s NOT like we have insurance in case he dies.  God, I just want to have a fairly nice retirement, and guess what?  I’m FORTY freaking years old, and I have hardly ANYTHING to show for it.  That right there just makes me want to cry into my fruit loops.  And he wanted me to give it up and call it quits.  I told him no way, I want SOME security when I reach 65…it’s not bankrupt yet.  He was mad at me, he wanted the money then.  I just couldn’t do it… MY money.  He’s never saved anything towards retirement.  Anything he has, he’s raided to pay bills.  Fine for him, but don’t ask me to do the same thing.  I told my dad all that and he said "Good for you."  It was hard standing my ground, especially as quarter after quarter I lost money.  It hurt.  If I hadn’t sold my Apple stock, it’d probably be worth about 100 grand now, maybe more, when I did sell, I got 60 thousand.  Sigh.  When I do start making money again,  I am SO investing, and buying gold and avoiding debt like my life depended on it!  I NEVER want to be here again.  Though I think I’ll wait for the market to settle a little.  Everyone and their dog is buying gold, it’s at something like 1200 an ounce, and expected to go to 1600 an ounce (when all the market makers will dump

their gold, glutting the market and dropping prices sharply… THAT is when to buy, and of course, they WILL.  Crazy, doesn’t seem like that should be legal.)   The way the economy is right now, people are buying gold, because it’s a "safe" investment.  I told Jerry the whole thing sounds like a bubble to me.  Oh yea, prices will keep rising, they’ll NEVER fall… right.  Hey, I have some land on Mars, anyone want to buy some land on Mars?  it’s funny, because NOW is the time to buy a house.  Prices are low, low.  A person could actually buy a house they could afford right now.  Don’t re-finance it ever, and a person would have themselves a really great deal.  LOL..

I’m laughing at myself.  I understand computers.  I actually understand a lot about finance, and Jerry gets Bloomberg magazine, and I read that sucker cover to cover.  I UNDERSTOOD Wall Street: Money Never Sleeps, and in the beginning when he was saying "Only about 17 people understand what this stuff means"  Jerry is one of those people!  Seriously!  Because of that, I have something of an understanding of how it works too.  Because of the books I read, I understand a little about the law, actually probably more than a little, and I am fascinated by it.  I’m concerned that especially with finance, our rights as Americans are really being eroded.  I’m pretty convinced that between the government and the banks, they want NONE of us "little people" to have ANY financial power whatsoever.  They want to control it all.  Anyway, that’s not my point.  My point is actually that I have a DIVERSE set of interests.  And I know a lot of miscellaneous stuff, some useful, most not.  Not to me anyway.  I can hold my own in a conversation. 

And on that note, I’m wrapping up.  I’ve GOT to figure out what exactly I’m going to do with my life, hence the above paragraph.  I have too many things I enjoy, too many things that I could do… oh, yea, and I think I’m ADD.  Yay for me.  Not sure what to do with that one.