Not having the best of days

This is the post I put on my Expecting board just now:

Well, I’ve been gone awhile, I know… can’t tell you why I’ve been staying away.  So part of me feels like I have no right to come and complain, but only you guys can really understand this. 
I’ve had a crappy day.  This morning, my DH had some bean soup going in the crock pot, fantastic healthy dinner, yes?
I was SOOOO nauseated by the smell of it, it was unbelieveable.  So I said something about cooking smells, and I was NOT blaming DH.  He tells me very testily "I"m sorry my cooking makes you sick"  I told him straight back "It’s just the smells"  Later on he tells me that when he was a kid, his aunt who was pregnant at the time, told him his food was disgusting, whether he cooked it, or just added hot sauce to something someone else had made (evidently, she was just a bitch on wheels anyway, and I am NOT, and I’m doing my best to keep my cool.)

So I ate something, and felt better. 

So the day went on, I actually got OUT and did a little shopping, the kids were buggy, nothing abnormal there, lol.

Dinner:  good, but I’d cut up some watermelon for dessert, and I used the cutting board, the wooden cutting board, and the watermelon tasted AWFUL… and I don’t know, this just bummed me out. DD asked me if I wanted a particular piece of it, and I must have just felt sick or something, I said no, and then DH chimes in "I’m sure she meant to say no thank you, right?" and all I could do was nod rather dejectedly.  I went and laid on the couch.

So then we went and watch an episode of Lois and Clark on DVD, we’re enjoying that as a family, so that was fine, and picked up my mood somewhat.

But when I went to look at the notes from my diary online, I found a very rude note about my DD Sydni… they did NOT like the spelling of her name, and didn’t bother to sign their notes.  I wrote a rant about it, using all kinds of caps, and yes, I was a bit pissy about it, and I got a SLEW of notes, that just added to the rudeness, and I just don’t know if I deserved it or not… of course, none of these people bothered to sign their notes either.  So I just feel depressed.  I went to twopeasinabucket.com, which is a scrapbooking site, and that was somewhat helpful… but I don’t know… overall, I’m just tired of being pregnant, and sick, and I feel guilty for that.  I keep wondering if I’m doing the right thing, having another baby so late in life… and I feel guilty about that.  Plus, as I’ve said before, I rather feel "called" to have this baby, and so I feel somewhat like I am betraying God by having all these thoughts.  The more rational part of me thinks… it’s hormones, it’s normal, quit stressing…but the hormones have an awful hold on me.  So I just want to cry, but I can’t.  It’s got to be pretty bad for me to cry, and this just isn’t it… but it’s SOMETHING, I don’t know what.  I just feel…melancholy, sad.  Maybe I should just go look at some jokes or something, I really don’t know.  If I got myself to laughing, I’d probably be forced to feel better.

That was the end of what I wrote.  I can’t even begin to describe today… it’s been so off and on… and the song "I’ve seen better days" keeps making the rounds through my head…. A LOT lately.  I wish… oh I don’t know.  I wish I could take today back and have a "do-over’  but I don’t know what good it would do me, because I suspect it would go much the same.

Okay, I’m going to post, and figure out how to make myself feel better.  I ALMOST bought a new (used) lens for my camera today, but someone beat me out by a dollar on my auction… oh well, with the little bit of research I’d done, I was worried I’d over-bid without really being aware of what a reasonable price would be, so it was fine I lost the auction.  I should probably head over to the camera store to see some of these lenses in action to decide what I really want/need.

Sarah