Not completely sure what to make of today

The title says it all.

TMI warnings ahead, please don’t read if a semi frank discussion about my sex life will bother you.   It’s not rated R, but not for the squeamish, either, and also involves my issues with depression….

I got a call yesterday from the Psychiatry dept at Kaiser.  I’d told my dr the day before that I’d been suffering from depression (well documented in my diary).  They made an appt for me to see a counselor this morning.  See, the thing about me, is that while I’m a "high functioning depressive" if you will, that does not stop me from being suicidal at times, and also I’ve been having weird, and rather horrible visions.  Today, I felt mostly okay, as I have been feeling.  So I arrived early, filled out their questionaire, which took forever, and then was seen by the counselor.  We talked about 45 minutes, and she thought I should probably see a psychyatrist about some medication.  So that appointment was also made for today.  So I went home, and Jerry, Shabree and I ran into Lodi to get some lunch, went to IHOP, where I had a fish sandwich, fries and a piece of stuffed french toast (yummy!) So I went to the next appt after lunch, feeling like good, I’m going to be put on medication, and hopefully that’ll make it better.  Well, it just didn’t work like that.  She didn’t want to put me on medication because of the pregnancy (Okay, I can understand this…playing with fire with a developing fetus), but she said she could put me on Haldol for the visions… YUCK!   NO THANK YOU.  And zoloft for the depression…well, that’s sort of an "older" anti-depressant, and like all the other ones on the market about then, has sexual side effects.  I was on prozac back in the early 90s, and I can tell you, for me it just took forever to reach any sort of climax, and then it was SUCH a let down, I can’t even begin to describe it, like you get there, but you’re NOT there.  Might as well skip it, for how sort of "blah" it felt.  So I don’t feel anxious to get on zoloft.  But the other drugs (can) have teratogenic effects on the baby… so they’re definitely a no-no.  I was talking to the dr about the low sex drive, because this is driving Jerry batty.  And her answer was that I shouldn’t be having sex right now ANYWAY, because I shouldn’t be causing contractions to my uterus.  Well, I must admit, that rather upset me.  The OB just told me two days ago, if I’m comfortable with it, then since I’ve stopped bleeding, it should be fine.  I’m dealing with a very frustrated and pissy husband, and I’ve got to DO something, and this WOMAN, who is NOT my OB, not an OB at ALL, is telling me that I should avoid sex because I don’t want to hurt the baby…oh yea, needed that.  When I was pregnant with Shabree, at the end of the pregnancy, man, she must have been pressing on some nerve or something was going on with my hormones, because I wanted sex, orgasm came easily (that is NOT me, hardly ever) but I didn’t quite feel comfortable with sex, so I masturbated quite a bit (ok, have to ask myself, WHY am I sharing that piece of information????)  Generally, I have more intense orgasms when I "do myself" (I’m more comfortable with this terminology) but it DID NOT cause me to go into premature labor, so I can’t understand why this would either?  I mean, the baby is looking like a little jumping bean, active little thing, so I don’t see where there’s an imminent danger of causing the kind of muscle contractions it would take to start labor, or a miscarriage at this point, but man, you’d have thought I was going to KILL this baby if I had sex, according to the dr.  I don’t know if it made it worse for me, but she was Indian, I believe, though from a different part, cause she didn’t have that hooked sort of nose… she may be from Pakistan or a neighboring country, but her name definitely sounded Indian to me…she didn’t have the skin coloring for Pakistan though…they’re fairly light skinned actually.  At least my ex boyfriend Asim was, and the Pakistanis I’ve seen on tv were… Indians have a darker skin tone generally.  However, Inida is a LARGE country, so my first instinct was probably right, and so I’ll say she’s Indian.  Kaiser has a lot of Asians amongst their doctors, and it doesn’t bother me much, but there’s definitely a different way of seeing things there.  My OBs are pretty wonderful.  I have a nurse practitioner (she’s white) and my dr, who’s Asian, Dr Dong, she’s really caring… but the first doctor I had for Adult medicine put me on edge, and he was Asian or Arab, not remembering which off hand… he just made me feel stupid for my concerns, and dammit, I save my concerns up and go see the dr every 5 years or so!  Generally speaking.  So this woman put me on edge a bit.  The counselor I saw this morning was really helpful, and thought the visions were probably a result of anxiety (which MAKES SENSE to me!) but the doctor is thinking HALDOL?  That’s a blasted anti PSYCHOTIC drug… dammit, I’m NOT having breaks with reality.  I can’t control the visions, but I’m fully aware that they’re "imaginations" though I’ve also wondered, truthfully, if I’m not being attacked by demons… when I tell them to go away, they do…if I say a prayer, they go away…if I mentally paint a circle around myself (a psychic protection thing I picked up when I was into metaphysics) or imagine myself filled with white light, the "visions" quickly go away.  I’ve GOT coping skills…
That was another thing.  The dr didn’t think I was depressed.  I told her today, I’m fine…but I have "episodes" and she said she didn’t doubt that.  The thing is, I do have coping skills, I DO get by, I don’t plan on hurting myself, I just sometimes have to put up with a crying jag before whatever is wrong either exhausts me enough to make me go to sleep, or works itself out and I feel better.  Most of this SEEMS hormonally based, to me.
So I guess the dr put the whole medication thing in my court, she didn’t seem too thrilled with the idea of putting me on meds… and I don’t know.  I don’t know if it’s a good or wise thing to do, esp being pregnant.  I’m tired of having no sex drive (though I’m more tired of Jerry being upset over it), I’m tired of not knowing when the depression will strike, I’m tired of things like not eating having such a horrible effect on me (low blood sugar), but then, I don’t know if an anti-depressant would help that or not.  I’m tired of having crying spells, and wanting to get divorced and wanting to not live anymore when my period is coming…I’m WAY tired of being a "yelling mom" and I just wish I could make it all stop.  Make myself completely normal, and not in need of "coping skills"  or even knowing that such a phrase exists.

All in all… not the best of days, and this morning, it was definitely looking up.

Well, I’ve got to get some sleep, so will post this and head off to bed.