NoJoMo Day 9
Kind of an emotionally hellish day, and I don’t even know where to start. I never got a chance to write earlier, so I am going to write this as though it were still today, instead of tomorrow. Let me begin with Becca, who wasn’t emotionally hellish, but has me worried all the same.
It was dinnertime, and I was nursing Alex, so she was asked to make the spaghetti noodles, which she reluctanlty agreed to. So I got up because Alex had fallen asleep, and thought I’d check up on what Bec was doing on the computer, and I see this message to some… boy? on her computer, and it said "Hay Sexy"
Oh… No. So I asked her about it, and she asked me why I was looking at her conversations, and I told her because I am her mother. Jerry was out picking up Sydni from Kristin’s house, and that’s another story… So Jerry walked in, and I said, You have to see this. I showed it to him, and you could tell he was not happy about it at all. Now a little backstory is that, on Thursday I think it was… Thursday or Friday, Becca had to walk to school, and she was late. The van’s battery had died, so he couldn’t take her to school. Anyway, some guy in a truck followed her, circling around and around (it’s a long straight stretch of road) and was scaring the hell out of her…she finally hid until the guy left, and then went to school. So Jerry told her that one of these online guys could have been her stalker. Her eyes bugged out a bit, but she got the "hint" and she made absolutely no fuss as he went to the computer and told the three guys she’d been chatting with to stay FAR away from his daughter, or he was going to report their IP addresses to the FBI. One guy was like "Okay, I’ll do it, Nice meeting you." and one guy flipped him off and said "Whatever Pops" Jerk. The third guy just didn’t respond. Becca’s grounded from the computer… indefinitely, I guess. When we bought/brought home the computers, it was with the understanding they would be used for school work, and they’re not being used for much else than playing games and surfing the net… and what the HELL was Becca THINKING saying Hay Sexy to someone she didn’t even KNOW? I gotta say… I was never in a rush to grow up (unfortunately, this carried far into adulthood for me…) and as a result, I don’t quite "get" why kids do want to grow up so damned quick. I do not know what’s up with Becca these days. She walked by me today, and maybe I overreacted, but she just hit me for no particular reason, and it wasn’t exactly a tap. I was like "Why’d you hit me?" and Jerry immediately said "I think she meant it lightly." I told her that she didn’t know her own strength, and it hadn’t exactly felt good. She’s been doing that a LOT to her sisters too, and they just wail. We tell her to keep her hands to herself, and she just doesn’t get it. Or something. Hell if I know.
Okay, I’m switching subjects… and crap, I GOTTA make this a little shorter. I’ve been trying to go to sleep since 9:30 tonight, I’m just freaking EXHAUSTED and here it is almost 3 a.m. Hell. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to sleep unless I wrote about today, and I don’t know if I can do it. There’s a LOT of detail… I don’t even know if I can remember it all.
Mmm… I got a cell phone. Maybe I wrote about that yesterday. I think I did. I used it to call my mom yesterday to give her my cell phone number, and so far, she hasn’t returned the phone call. So I don’t know… today has been hard anyway because I’m just so damned tired of having no money, I want to keep the house (Jerry doesn’t), I want to avoid downsizing… etc. So I had gone to bed at 9:30 just completely wiped out… plus I’d talked to my dad today and it was a long drawn out conversation about Obama and the state of the country and the war in Iraq, and etc… him commenting on my parenting skills (Hell dad, you only had TWO kids, I’ve got FIVE… they’ve got us seriously outnumbered.) So ANYWAY, I was laying in bed, and just spinning out tragic tales in my head involving my mom never taking my calls again, Jerry dying, me dying, me leaving messages on my mom’s answering machine about how I’m dying… and I was just in tears thinking about all these non existent tragedies. Now… I’ve done this since I was a kid. Every time my mother would upset me, I’d spin out tales in my mind of me dying in various ways and how I had everyone crying, missing me…
Yea, I know… but I think in a way, it’s cathartic for me? I get myself to where I cry, and get out the real emotions, not the made up ones in my head. Otherwise, I’d lay there for a LONG time just stewing and angry and sad, and just depressed… the tales just allow me to get to the tears, get them out, and get over it. Anyway, I went downstairs in tears and told Jerry not to ever leave me, made him promise…even if it wasn’t his fault, he couldn’t leave me. I don’t really know where that came from, honestly… I mean, I had him dying in my tragic story, but "in real life" we had the conversation again about my sleeping on the couch somehow meaning I would be leaving him. Well… it wasn’t really a conversation about it… this is hard to explain. I told him I felt guilty for sleeping on the couch, and I told him it didn’t mean anything like that, and he just said that’s what it had meant when it happened with his parents. Hopefully that explains it. My emotions are a jumble, and I think I’ve got some hormonal things going on, I have a zit on my face, I have been taking things hard lately… I just wonder if "Aunt Flo" isn’t going to rear her UGLY head one of these days. The thing is, I haven’t felt or noticed signs of ovulation, so I can’t think it’s coming. I’m GENERALLY pretty in tune with that stuff.
Maybe I SHOULD write that book… I can do tragedy. Christ. What a talent. Making people cry. Especially me. James Patterson and Sarah M… tragedy writers extraordinaire. Read Suzanne’s Diary for Nicholas, and you’ll "get" what I mean.
Hell… I’m going to wrap up. I have GOT to attempt to get some sleep one of these hours. I’m so freaking useless when I’m exhausted. More tomorrow (today for you folks reading me in the morning)