NoJoMo Day 2-Not much to say

It’s been a quiet day.  I’d LOVE to go out, but with the issues, and no gas, there’s no way I’m driving anywhere.  I could go to the park, but I really don’t feel like it on a rather chilly day.  I want to go have some freaking retail therapy man!  Of course, that’s out of the question too. 

I was looking at a scrapbooking e•zine, and it’s funny how EVERYTHING in scrapbooking these days is distressed.  It just looks dirty to me.  I have no appreciation whatsoever for the look.  I don’t like the color combos, I don’t like much of what makes up scrapbooking these days.  It’s kind of too bad, it’s kind of good.  It keeps me OUT of the scrapbooking stores, and keeps me from spending money on the craft.  Like I need to spend any more money on it anyway… though I’m not getting far with my purging, either.  But that’s okay.  I have been doing a few pages here and there.  I’m about out of ink though, so I can’t print anything off.  I have plenty of pictures to scrap with though.  Just not a whole lot of Alex.  I suppose that’s all right too.  I should try to get Sammi’s book "finished."  Ha ha.  Actually, I have quite a few pages for Sammi done.  I want to get a good start on Alex’s book. 

I’ve started to clean up just a bit, thought I’d take a minute break, sit down, use the heating pad to get the milk flowing, and write a sentence or two.  I’m tired.  I did NOT sleep well last night.  After I finished my entry, I spent a bunch of time downloading digi scrapping stuff, then went to bed at 2-ish, which isn’t too bad for me.  Well, at 3, I watched the clock go back to 2, and probably fell asleep around 2:30, rolled back time.  I woke at 5 to a miserable baby, who had a poopy diaper and a red butt.  I changed her, but I always have to turn on the light to see what I’m doing…she was awake anyway.  So I went back to bed with her, and she was much happier, but breastmilk wasn’t cutting it, so I took her downstairs and fed her.  I went back to bed at what, 5:30?  Then awake at 8 with hungry baby… breastmilk was enough this time, and then awake for the day at 10 with an announcement that breakfast was ready… and it was yummy.  I found carrots in my eggs, and Jerry swore up and down there were no carrots, but then I was able to find one and show it to him.  He’d used the previous night’s veggies to add to the eggs, and hadn’t realized he’d put carrots in there.  It was surprisingly good. 

Guess I’ll go clean some more.  Maybe if it’s cleaner in here, I’ll feel more like scrapbooking in here, and it won’t feel like such a… prison in this house.  Hell, if I can’t really go anywhere, even if it’s self imposed, I’m going to do what I can to make it more pleasant!

I think there is something wrong with my mother.  I don’t know…it’s probably just the way she is, and it brings back bad memories.  I called her, so I’d have someone to talk to while I cleaned (and it’s looking better btw), and the conversation turned to the election.  Her: "I hope you’re voting for McCain."  Me: "No, I plan to vote for Obama."  so we talked… it wasn’t quite an arguement, but we weren’t going to agree.  Well, she said "If you’re going to vote for Obama, I’m taking you out of my will.  Goodbye."  And she actually hung up on me!  I was… stunned, to say the least.  I still kind of want to cry, and I am seriously having to hold back my tears.  I called Jerry, and he kind of laughed about it.  I mean, it was rather ridiculous.  Leave it to my mother to financially/emotionally blackmail me.  Same old crap I put up with as a teenager.  I can still hear it in my head, the things she used to say to me.  "I hate my life, I hate this house, I wish I was dead."  "Sarah, sometimes you’re useful, but mostly you’re useless."  And calling me a turkey in the most condesceding tones, like I was the idiot not only of the day…but of the year, and maybe even of her life.  I was going to ask her if she wanted to come for Thanksgiving or Christmas, but for the time being, I don’t even think I’ll call her again.  I don’t need to be abused like that.  My throat has a lump so large from trying not to cry… and really, I’m failing miserably, because the tears are just falling down my face anyway.  Okay… I’m done.  Just to make one thing clear… she has always threatened me financially.  I have never cared about her money.  Truthfully, I figured my brother would make such a huge fuss about it after she died, that I would end up giving him whatever just to keep the peace anyway.  I just want her in my life, and I think the big fear for me is that she won’t be… that somehow these threats of hers will be the end.  Parents!  Even when they’re no good for us, we can’t give them up.  And the last few years she’s mostly stopped her games.  This is some ugly head rearing, let me tell you.  So if she takes me out of her will, I don’t really care one way or the other, never have, never will.  Maybe it IS the game playing and previous threats that made me feel this way, maybe it’s just a disdain and really, downright hatred for people who are just waiting for their parents to die so they can have their money.  I’d rather have my parents, thank you very much.  Even if we are all getting older and it’s inevitable that some day, she’ll be gone.  She’s currently punishing my brother for his attitude about some coins he was sent.  Which I don’t quite blame her for…he’s an ass, always has been.  But at this rate, she’s not going to be speaking to either of her children.  And who’s loss is that?  Hers.  Somehow, this doesn’t surprise me from her, but in a way it does, and in a way, that’s what makes me wonder if there is something wrong with her.  No… it’s very much like her to push people away, even those that love her.  ESPECIALLY when they don’t agree with her. 

Sigh. 

I’m going to post.  I know this ended on a sour note.  I am here alone except for Alex, and I THOUGHT I heard her crying… holding the baby will make me feel better, so I’m going to go check on her.