NoJoMo Day 15-Yesterday’s challenge

I’m going to do yesterday’s prompt today, because I just saw it:

Blast from the Past

Today is the 14th. Go back to your 14th diary entry and re-read it, then copy/paste it into an entry and comment on it. What was going through your mind when you wrote it? What has changed? What is the same? Is it a fond memory? Sad? Is it a case of "I can’t believe I wrote that!" Tell all!

8/11/01
8/11/2001

I’ve been falling into a deep depression these last few days. I have been wanting to write, but then other stuff comes first, oh, and then one day last week I had a couple of paragraphs, forgot about them and quit my browser. Darn it. I’m so tired. I never want to come to work anymore, and now… Jerry. Maybe I’m blowing this all out of proportion, but we got credit cards in the mail last night, both of us are on the account, and he was telling me not to spend on it. Okay fine, I’m a little hurt, but what I was telling him is that he wants to close all my accounts, so we can avoid the fees and such on them, so how am I going to have the ability to buy things online when I want? I earn my share of this money, and I don’t honestly spend all of what I earn. He didn’t know, but it threw me into a funk, because I think he wants control of the money, and I’m going to be forced into giving up everything and asking him for money like the good little wifey. Now I know he would argue that this is not what he wants, but I also think in his heart that IS what he wants because then he doesn’t have to be afraid that I am going to turn into Jane and spend all the money before we get it. I’m half tempted to start working all the time, and take two classes instead of one so that he can have his security, and I just don’t have to deal with any of it. He wants to get out of debt, and he does want me to work overtime, though of course he tells me it’s my decision. I don’t know, he accused me of already breaking my promise on this credit card thing, not to use it. And later on he was just baiting me, telling me I had signed up for all this stuff online, and never gotten out of it, and had wasted all this money, and when I didn’t say anything, asked me if I didn’t believe him? What am I supposed to say? Yea, Jerry, I’m a rotten person who has no control over her spending or anything else, please save me from myself, because obviously I need it. But I didn’t say anything, sarcastic or not. I’m just so depressed. Hurt. But I’ll never let on. I’M NOT JANE!!!!!! %$#@&!!!! I am not Jane. I may like to spend money, but I am not Jane. And I resent the implication that I am going to act like her. This is part of why I want to just work overtime… just to PROVE I’m better than her. I will give Jerry what he wants. I do want out of debt. But… oh I don’t know. I am blowing it out of proportion. I just don’t know how to make him happy and not make myself miserable. He was talking about getting your heart set on things the other night, and I told him it’s bad policy to set your heart on anything, because it’s a good way to get hurt. He says it makes you go after things you really want. With me, I get hurt too easily. When I get my hopes up and set my heart on something, I get so depressed when I don’t get it. It’s just better not to care too much, it really is. For me, it is. I’m too emotional. I have worked hard on control. But lately I’ve been losing it. Got to keep working on not letting people around me get me all upset. Well, I want to work on my scrapbook so am going to stop my kabitching now.

Well, this is NOT a fond memory, I would have to say.  It’s interesting to me, the part about setting your heart on things, and how that is a way to get hurt.  I don’t know that I believe that anymore.  Having some of my fondest wishes met, being able to get the things I wanted… having money changed me for the better, I think.  SO much of my anxiety was relieved.  It’s funny, because right now, we ARE up to our ears in debt, and it’s not important.  It’s just so much… money, stuff.  The IMPORTANT things in my life are named Jerry, Becca, Sydni, Shabree, Sammi, and Alexandria.  I just realized, this was written before Shabree came along.  I love Bec and Syd, but since I have to share them, well, I’d just always wanted my Shabree, and I wanted children I did not have to share.  I guess… well, I guess most of my heart’s fondest desires HAVE been realized, because what did I ever want to be, other than a mommy and a writer?  One down… one to go. 

You know what I do find a LITTLE funny?  It’s purple… the SAME damn purple I’m still using!  Okay, I love purple, I’ve never stopped loving purple, and I’ve never really had a reason to change this diary around.  But how freaking FUNNY.  God, I’m SOOOO predictable!  And I really, really am predictable.  Well, it’s not that I keep to any sort of schedule, so I’m not THAT predictable.  I’m not anal, let’s put it that way. 

I also find it rather amusing how… ADAMANT I was about not being Jane… and how my swears are symbols.  LOL, now that’s me.  I TRY not to swear.  You know, when Shabree picked up on Dammit, I was SO mortified!  It was definitely me she got it from.  I’ve been trying to be better since then, though I do slip up on occassion. 

Reading all this, and really thinking about it has made me realize how much I’ve changed, and how much I have stayed the same… purple girl with 5 beautiful daughters, no money (and I don’t CARE… well… I do, but I don’t.  I suspect that everything will be all right, somehow, some way.)

I’m sure this will continue to have me thinking.  And no, I’m not going to change the purple!  I have better things to do with my time, lol!

I want to write more, but I’ll do it later.