Job Hunting

It’s EXCRUCIATING.  I hate it, hate it, hate it.  I’m worried sick that our money won’t last, well, it hasn’t, it’s gone.  We have 100 dollars and no other source of income, and 50 of that is a check we can’t cash, because… we’re overdrawn.  Oh yay.  The problem with HAVING money in the first place, is that you don’t have to track it so carefully, because there’s always enough there.  Which means that when it’s not, it catches you by surprise. 
I don’t even want to talk about it.  Jerry found out on the day after Christmas, after trying to withdraw 300 dollars so he could get a new court date for the ticket he got for Sydni not wearing her seatbelt correctly (something I’m sure I forgot to mention, but he couldn’t read the court date, so missed it.)  Well, now if he doesn’t get the money in 10 days, which is when, tomorrow?  the fine will automatically go to 1500.  Great!  It MIGHT have been 15 days, but I doubt it.  So anyway, he scrambled, got an associate to pay our phone/internet/cable bill so that he can continue working, and I started job hunting.  Which I got some immediate responses to, that was good…but they’ve all petered out now.  And did I look while I thought FOR SURE I would get one of these jobs?  No.  Am I an idiot?  YES!!!  God, I hope Jerry closes a deal… PLEASE let him close a deal!  I’m not sure I can stand the thought of actually going back to work.  I’ve been putting page kits together, doing layouts, reading, cleaning my scraproom… the kids have been in and out, bugging me… I need a break from them, that’s for sure.  I might just get one, next weekend.  I’m planning on going to a free crop in Stockton…one of the ladies on my Central Valley Scrappers group is hostessing.  That should be fun, though we’ve got to nail down the details of it still.
In the meantime, well, tonight, I have put my resume in for about 5 jobs, one here in Elk Grove, so that would be good.  I don’t really like commutes.  Though I had applied for a phone banker job with Wells Fargo, and that would have been good too…if they’d called me back, which they didn’t.  And the Mac/PC tech job I applied for… oh man, when I took their test, I was floored.  Just floored.  It was HARD, and NO mac questions whatsoever.  I answered it to the best of my ability, then I admit, I just let it go… I made one call back, she was out on a vacation (may still be for all I know!) and she never called me back…I’ve been too chicken/busy to call back.  I feel like crap.  Maybe I shouldn’t feel like a failure, but the Wells Fargo lady called me, and I think I just screwed up the phone interview.  I told her it isn’t going to pay enough… and it’s not, for what I want, which is for Jerry not to have to work.  He wants me to get into my 401k, which is just a thought I am HATING… to keep us afloat.  I am not even sure I CAN….

When I think about this stuff, it’s kind of hard not to feel like, where’s the hope?  I am not sure where God is, I’m really not.  I swear, I pray on a daily basis for good things to happen… for strength (which I’ve got… I do.), for Jerry to close a deal… for things to improve.  I don’t know how to take the signs… I mean, I’m so not used to NOTHING.   WHY am I being put through this?  What is the point? 
And yet, a very strong part of me says hang tight, it’ll be all right.
But how do I know that for sure?  It doesn’t LOOK all right…it looks like we’re at the end of our rope and don’t have the means really to tie a knot and hang on.  If something doesn’t happen, then Jerry and/or I have to go get a "real" job.  And essentially…Jerry fails at what he’s been doing.  He knew it would be hard… although tonight he told my brother he didn’t know it would be THIS hard.  I mean, we’ve been successful for so long, I don’t know if either of us really remembers, or knows in the first place (Jerry…I long considered myself a failure) what it’s like to fail.  Well, I do know he gave it his all… and then some.  Which is something ELSE I don’t understand.  I mean, the man works his butt off.  WHY can’t be close a deal?  It feels like some damn, excuse my language, cosmic freaking JOKE.   Life may not be fair, but this goes WAY beyond unfair.
Feeling angry at God is like being angry at one’s mom… you begin to feel like you’re going to get punished.  I’m not exactly angry at God…but nor am I too happy.  Some days I just wonder, am I stupid?  Is this my proof that God just DOES NOT EXIST?  I had long felt a connection to a great source of LOVE…. the day I came home from calling a gentleman in Boston I’d known the summer before and had a huge crush on… and my mom was there, and she somehow KNEW what was going on in my brain… and I still had to go to school, and the call hadn’t really gone the way I wanted it to… I went back to sleep for an hour or two, and I just woke up in this mood.  I can’t really describe it, but I just KNEW, if anything happened at school that day, it would be the straw that broke the camel’s back, and I would kill myself.  And my school got closed.  I just felt this PRESENCE, this loving presence that told me I was loved too much for that… I thanked God.  I even knelt down by my bed to thank Him.   I honestly felt like it had been a miracle.  It was a Friday in April or May, really warm, so the school would normally be open, but they’d found asbestos, and had to get it out.  We ended up with a 4 day weekend, because the school was already closed on Monday for some holiday.  And a bunch of the guys came back to school wearing surgical masks.   That presence though, the love was overwhelming.  It was so much, that whenever I came in contact with it, I’d have to cry.  I don’t even know why…it’s like something you’re being denied, but not really.  It just made me ache.  I guess I just want to feel that love ALL the time, and I can’t really.  So I guess that would be the feeling of being denied…but I have to live my life.  I think a person would have to die to feel that love all the time… I wonder if that’s what Heaven really is supposed to be like…if so, then that’s a place I’d like to go spend some time, lol.  A place where you know you’re safe and loved and just happy.  There is no sadness.  Maybe it’s just that I never did feel safe and loved and happy with my mom.  I really don’t know.  All I know is, really, that the presence, if it was God or something else, gave me a taste of what it might be like to have a normal life.  Up to that point, I was always so hurting, just trying to deal with the pain, I could really get little else accomplished.   Well, there was more to it than any of that, but there was a part of me that knew what I was feeling wasn’t "normal" 
Anyway, I’m rambling badly.  Dealing with one’s demons is not an easy task.  And not something I want to do right now anyway.  Though, these thoughts have been haunting me a bit lately, and I don’t quite know why.   I mean, I have pretty much forgiven my mother for the things she said/did to me… and I’m oh so tired of dealing with the fallout.  Jerry doesn’t even like it when I bring it up.  And lately he’s been telling me quite a bit I’m acting like my mother.
And for some reason, the thought that I’m quickly approaching 40 intrudes… and oh my God…when did I get this old?  There’s no way.
I don’t know…. so many unanswered questions.  So much I don’t want to think about.  I’m doing everything I possibly can to avoid thinking about things, because I can’t sleep when I do.  I don’t really want to worry so much.  I’m trying really hard to just hold a good thought, keep the faith, and chase away the demons.  I really don’t know how to deal with the demons on my own… so now is just not a good time. 
And am I ever going to be able to get health care for this baby?  Or am I going to deliver at home, because I can’t afford to go to a hospital to deliver it?  Yikes.  Don’t think the thought hasn’t crossed my mind!  Because it has.  If I can’t get health insurance, I don’t know what I’ll do.  I dread the thought of having to pay thousands of dollars to a hospital, and I’m not sure I’m going to be able to quality for Medical or anything like it.  Jerry says he told the bankruptcy court that we made a certain amount of money, based on what we made in the past, and that applying for benefits just might impact our bk, and now I don’t even want to go apply… not that I ever DID want to go apply.  Oh, I don’t want their help… I don’t want their strings… I don’t want ANYONE’S strings.  But I have to admit, I’m so damned scared.  I don’t know what else to do, where else to turn.  I don’t like being deceitful, but I can’t even tell a potential employer that I’m pregnant, because they won’t hire me.  I hate being in this position, I really, really do.  I am not a happy person… and I’m not a good mother when I’m not a happy person. 

Well, I’d better wrap up.  I think I’ve gone in enough circles, cried enough over my monitor…  can’t you see the wrinkles where the tears dripped?  Sorry about that.