It was over as soon as it begun :(

Well, we put on quite a feast, had quite a few people over.  It was nice…but as soon as dinner was over, around 3 or 3:30, everyone cleared out, and Jane asked me to take them home.  I wasn’t ready.  I guess Ron and Sharyon hung around for awhile afterwards, but they were gone by the time I got back.  Sigh.  It was a lot of work, and just felt like it was over all too soon.  I wish the house would stay clean longer… but the girls will make sure it does not.

Jerry’s gone off to bed, it’s 8 p.m. and he’s sick with a head cold and has been on his feet all day long w/ the turkey, and cleaning, and etc.  He did manage to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner.

I’m pretty tired myself.  I had a lousy night sleeping with the baby.  She never lets go of my breast.  If I take her off and get myself comfortable so I can SLEEP, she wakes up and when she can’t find her boobie, she starts crying.  I’m having such a love/hate relationship with this right now.  I truly am.  The pressure’s on to quit.  But… I can’t quit.  Because of Alex, because of all I’ve invested into it… I simply cannot, cannot quit.   But I sure am more sleep deprived than ever.  I was up at 3 a.m., at 6 a.m., and up for the day at 8, and this was after not really getting to bed until 2.  Sigh.  And Alex slept from 2 until 7, so who knows when she’ll be tired enough to go down for the night?  The thing is though, that even if I DO give her a bottle at bedtime, to fill her tummy up, she still wants to nurse.  She LOVES to nurse.  Since I know a lot of women who are agonizing over their babies not loving to nurse, in fact, rejecting nursing, I am ashamed when I get tired of it… I am only tired of being sleep deprived.  NOT of nursing.  I am also tired of being made to feel like it’s somehow not part of my job to nurse her, that it is wasted time.  No one says "You should just give her a bottle" but it sure does FEEL like they want to say it.  I’m definitely made to feel that I’m being lazy when I’m nursing.  And most certainly, it holds little importance to anyone but the baby and me.  I think I’m doing right by her, but no one else in this house shares my feelings.  Jerry could care less… if I gave her a bottle, I think he’d sigh with relief, oh good, now maybe she’ll get something done (meaning me, in case I’m unclear.)

Plus, I always put the babies in their own space at 5 months, and Alex is 6 months… and I do believe this is why I did that with both of them… I got tired of being absolutely sleep deprived.  Of course, I do try to put Alex in her cradle, and sometimes I get 4 hours out of that, but sometimes I only get an hour, or not even that…she just cries.  She never really took to a binkie… besides which, Sammi keeps stealing it.  We take it away from her telling her she’s too old for a binkie, and then it disappears until Sammi shows up with it again.  I bought some cheap ones, and Alex just spits those ones right out.  She ONLY wants the real thing… ME.  I’m the binkie.  I’m the end all be all of comfort.  I’m the only one she can lay with and simply cry… I can’t just lay with her on the bed… she only starts settling down when I bring out the breast.  Then it’s too funny to watch her, because she’s got radar for the darn thing!  I don’t even have to guide her to it, she just attaches herself on it, and she can be in a nice deep sleep and still be sucking.  I will wake up to find her sucking… and I’ve been asleep for two hours.  LOL.  I never saw such a thing.  So if Jerry thinks this is going to be an easy thing to give up… he’s mistaken.  He seems to have this idea that because she’ll take a bottle, she won’t have any problem giving up breast feeding.  But as I said, I can have just given her a bottle… then I lay down with her, and she will start to cry if that breast isn’t quickly brought out for her.  Yesterday, I was trying to do something else… reach for something I think, and so my head was turned from her, and my body was stretched so my breast SHOULD have been out of her reach.  HA.  Next thing I know, she’s stretched her head over and latched on and was happily and contentedly sucking away.  And another time, Jerry had her, and he switched her over to his other knee, and she literally turned her head around almost backwards to look at me.  "I see you there Mommy!  Give me BOOBIE!"  *Grins*  Well… that’s how it plays out in MY head.  LOL.  She’s pretty hilarious sometimes.  I just wish I could do it so my back didn’t ache so much all the time, and I could walk straight.  At least my nipples aren’t sore!  There’s something to be thankful for ;).

Oh yea… Thanksgiving.  We forgot to state what we’re thankful for. 

And Jane is very…

I said we had money left over on our food stamps, she said if we have money left over we should give it to them.

She told Ron and Sharyn our relationship.

She described a scene at her apartments a few nights ago, about a stabbing.

She told me she borrowed 100 dollars from her sister, her sister drove up to Sacramento to buy food for them, and instead of paying her sister back, she bought a World of Warcraft expansion pack.  (and we are asking ourselves why she has no gas money?  There’s the answer.)

I told her, Becca (her daughter) wants a pair of jeans for Christmas, and she tells me it’s too tight in December, they have too many bills they’re behind on to celebrate Christmas.  They will probably celebrate Christmas when they get their tax refund…. good Lord, the government LOVES people like them.

After we took them home, my van smelled like cigarettes.

Oh, and, no gas money…. well, 3 dollars.  She had to buy pull ups, so there went the gas money.  She’s going to bring it by on Monday (yea… RIIIIIGHT.)  I HAD to have gas money, we were almost out, so that’s why the 3 dollars.  I’m sure the money will find it’s way to "other" things.  And it WON’T be the SMUD bill (electric and gas if you live in Sacramento)

They DID give us a 3 foot Christmas tree… and it was missing a stand, and the lights on it don’t work and it smells like cigarettes (YUCK!).  Let me tell you though… it’s darn well better than nothing!  We’ll make do with it, sad as it is.  I’m sure Jerry will find a way to Jerry-rig it.  He usually does. 

Don’t get me wrong, they aren’t bad people.  White trash comes to mind, a little.  Especially over the borrowing 100 dollars, then buying a damn WoW expansion pack.  And her reasoning?  "It’s our only entertainment… that and HBO."

OH

MY

GOD

Oh yea, that reminds me… I’m probably going to get kicked offline tomorrow.  We could not afford the Comcast bill ourselves, and it’s due to be disconnected tomorrow.  I’m not sure if I can deal with the slow-ass modem connection offered by the cell phone company… I may find it better than nothing, or I may find that I will just deal with not being able to get on.  Maybe, just MAYBE, I

‘ll go to the library.  But I think NoJoMo may be over for me.  Or maybe I will just write my entries, and that’s all I’ll get posted.  I can track my email through the BlackBerry I was given, and these are the only two things I really DO, other than download digiscrap stuff.. and let me just face the fact that I spend way too much time as it is doing that, and a break would be good for me… though I’m sure I’ll miss it.

Oh… Becca just came in with Alex… "Mommy!  Baby is HUNGRY!"  Or something like that… she was talking for the baby, who IS crying, and it does sound like it’s probably a hungry cry, and it’s probably about time, been 2 hours since the last "feed."

I think if I do get this "break" from the net… I really, must, must, must commit myself to cleaning this scrap room once and for all.  I just wisb I had the money to go buy organizational items… but I will make do with what I have, and really, I probably have enough… just need to get the stuff out of the piles and put away.  MUST.  I’ll try to keep you updated on that.  I think… I will come up with some sort of reward for myself for doing that, and when I get it done… ugh.  You have NO idea what that’s going to entail.  NONE.  I’ll have to start by clearing a working space.

Anyway… it was a good day, it was just that people stayed here too shortly before heading home.  But with gas prices coming down… it may not be such a hard thing to put gas in the van and go visiting.  We can hope.  And we can hope Jerry’s oil deal closes any day now.  I’m already sick of Christams commercials and Black Friday sales…and those don’t start til tomorrow.  I took Shabree and Bec to Big Lots tonight, hoping to get French Fry seasoning, but they don’t take EBT, so we went and looked at the toys, but I just had to leave as soon as Shabree started asking if I would get her a particular toy for Christmas, and I just knew I couldn’t make any promises… it made me SO sad.  It’s going to be okay… but I have no idea how I’m going to make this good for her.  Tree-check.  Food-check.  Decorations-check.  Presents?  I guess we’ll see.  Hey, at least I got a Barbie house… it may be used, but I don’t think they’ll care.  So that’s one thing.  Now I just have to see what else I can scrape up. 

I’ve GOT to go feed Alex.  She is SO pitiful sounding.