I should be in bed!!!!

It’s 12:25 in the morning.  I COULD sleep, if I went to bed.  It’s been a pretty good day, all things considered. I went and saw the therapist at 9 this morning. I walked in straight at 9, and by 9:07, I was STILL waiting in line for the receptionist. But the meeting with the therapist only lasted a few minutes, more of a conference really.  I told her I’d gotten a call from the psychyatrist telling me I’d missed our meeting…however, I’d cancelled that meeting, per her instructions, and put in a request for a change of doctor. She had seen the note about the call, and assumed I’d not called.  I told her it was the same day I’d seen her, and that the computers were still down, and I wondered if the change had ever been put in.  She said she’d look into it. In the meantime, she’d spoken with the other therapist I’d seen… Tracy (I’d forgotten her name), and they both thought the meds would help, so she was going to have this done through the OB dept, so I’ve got an appt with my nurse practitioner next Monday to get a presctiption.  She also called me in the afternoon to tell me that no, the change of doctor HAD NOT been put through (figures, glad I asked) so she’d gotten me in with a different psychyatrist, but the earliest appt was in July.  Okey dokey.  I’ll have been on the meds a month and a half to two months at that point… or maybe longer… brain isn’t functioning well at this point.  That’s plenty of time to see if they help.  Plus I have an appt in OB on the 22nd, so if there are problems, I can either call or wait for that appt.  I would not likely wait, this is my mental health I’m messing with here.  It’s amazing how quickly things can turn though.  Even a year ago, I did NOT want to go on meds. I was content to deal with my monthly depression as I always had.  But, I started looking at other factors…the amount of time I spend in front of the computer, avoiding the world…LOL, not that Shabree necessarily ALLOWS me to do this, and I’m very conscious of the fact that she needs me more than the online world does :)…. However, I also started to wonder how much "under the surface" stuff I’m ignoring, assuming I’m fine, when I’m really not, and I also became conscious of how serious, how "un-fun" I’ve become.  How much a stickler for the rules, how I’ve lost my sense of silliness… and when I realized that, it HURT.  I barely like who I’ve become, you know?  I’ve been trying to reverse some of that on my own, but who knows when the hormones will hit, and I’ll either turn into bitch mom, or have a crying spell, or just feel like plain crap.  I think it’s time to see what the meds can do… if they don’t help, well, I’ll go back to dealing with it until the baby is born, then we can try a different tact.  If it helps, then I’ll keep taking them, remembering this is an illness, a treatable illness.  I don’t deserve to live like I do… I deserve to live depression free, and my kids deserve a mom they can count on to be rock solid for them.
It’s been a hard decision to come to, all the same, and I can’t help but feel I’m failing in some way.  I’m sure I have a choice, but I’ve come to a crossroads where I no longer feel I DO have a choice.  It’s either do something positive that will hopefully improve my life, or keep struggling with one step forward, maybe two, and then a step back.  I am tired of lacking motivation, of constantly wondering when my own head is going to betray me.  It is TIME for  a change.

I’ve GOT to get to bed.  I’m really tired, and if Shabree gets up early again, I’m going to be in trouble with not enough sleep.

Songoram is at the end of this week, we find out if it’s a boy or a girl, AND, I’m feeling kicks now.  WHOOHOO.