I really hadn’t realized…

Well, that pretty much a month went between the last two entries. Oops. I don’t have Open Diary bookmarked, because I don’t want family coming here and seeing what I write. I have had "issues" in the past with Jerry seeing what I wrote, and I’m determined not to repeat the past, you know? I don’t exactly like censoring myself, though I do, to a certain extent. But the diary is really for me, not for anyone else, though the comments ARE nice, and I do appreciate them.
I visit a LOT of blogs every day, because of my current digi-scrapping obsession. There’s no better way to get free stuff to scrap with, and that’s the kind of budget I’m working with these days, kwim? I like seeing the different blogs, though I admit to being a snatch and grab kind of person. I go in, download what I want, and leave. I have a few I comment on a regular basis, but I generally don’t take the time. Though I DO try to say thanks every so often… I feel so rude when I don’t.
Anyway, had a REALLY lazy day today, just finished watching "Bridge to Terabithia" I forgot how it was sad, though I knew it WAS sad, I read the book as a kid.  I was crying… not sure if that’s because of the sadness of it, or the hormones of pregnancy.

Speaking of sad…
Last night, was trying to talk to Jerry about Becca, and he tells me I’m not much better than her (when it comes to being a slob)  and I was trying to explain how when I was a kid, I was very spiritual, and pretty humble, and finally, I just had to tell him, I guess I’m not explaining myself, because he just contradicted everything I said about myself.  I cried myself to sleep, probably for an hour I cried.  I can’t help but feel he’s got a super low opinion of me, and it hurts.  It really hurts a lot.  AND he often treats me like one of the kids, in FRONT of the kids, undermining ANY authority I might have with them.  I don’t know if he’s just been in a "mood" because of thinking his deal was going to fall apart, or what… he’s not really being mean, but more like thoughtless…and that’s not even really IT.  He just doesn’t "get" me.

Sigh.  I don’t know… I mean, why am I here?  What he said, it really hurt.  WHY does he "put up" with me?  I don’t like feeling unwanted, useless.  I don’t like feeling like I’m somehow no better than the kids.  I manage to convince myself I’m mostly an all right person, until he does something like that.  And it’s like I have a secret life, inside, that he doesn’t know.  I mean, there are things I have to keep from him.  Things he really doesn’t understand, CAN’T understand.  It’s hard somedays, living like that, knowing that I can’t totally, truly be me with him. 

Some days I really think, have to think, I should leave.  It’d be better if I left.

Well, here he comes.  I am going to post.