I miss me

Just when I was starting to get my energy back, and actually FEEL like doing things, this pregnancy happened.

Now I must say, after those first three months, I don’t mind being pregnant too much, though I’m entering the 3rd trimester and I am starting to really feel tired again.  I can’t explain this to my satisfaction, I don’t think.  But I’m just TIRED, and I miss me.  I want the person who has SOME ambition, who doesn’t want to be sleeping all the time, or even just lying down…
I haven’t felt like scrapping.
I haven’t felt like doing anything with the kids
I’m crabby a LOT
My sleep is full of interruptions (thank you Sammi and my bladder!)
I worry a lot because of the house, the bankruptcy, the lack of insurance, the lack of money!  Though… I AM seeing light at the end of the tunnel there.  Although Jerry says we should look for a rental.  UGH.  I’m going to lose my house, aren’t I?  I’m going to lose my scraproom… I’m going to lose my BIG backyard.  I’m probably going to lose my garden, even though a lot of the seeds are well on their way to germination.  I’m not sure I should care about the scraproom, since I don’t feel like scrapping anyway… but then, I’m not really looking forward to moving while pregnant again, especially with no insurance if something SHOULD go wrong, not that it ever has.   But I was never, EVER under that much stress with the previous two.  Sigh.  Well, I do have to admit, I know it wouldn’t be the end of the world if we lost this house.  I’ve lived in smaller spaces than this (though NOT with 5 kids!).  Jerry wants to stay in the neighborhood, to allow the kids to finish out the school year.  And while we both agree, we like this house and we like this cul-de-sac, and we like the closeness to shopping, we’re NOT loving the neighborhood, or Elk Grove.  Yesterday, Becca was biking home from one of Sydni’s friend’s houses, and some black girl called her a "Nigger hater"  It doesn’t help that Bec awhile back said she didn’t like black people, but they’re just NOT letting her forget it.  It was said in a fit of anger…  but of course she wants US to go fix it for her.  I hope to God she’s realized the lesson here, though in watching Bec, I have my doubts.  She’s getting to where she’s just mean.  She loves to tease Shabree, is incurably bossy… well, I could go on, but I won’t.  Jerry went over to the park with her to try and reason with the girls, but who knows if it’ll work?

I keep wondering, am I depressed?  I’ve lost interest in scrapping (I did 43 pages last month in the first 2-3 weeks, and then burned out or something), I am tired all the time (depression or pregnancy?).  Actually, it could ALL come down to Depression or Pregnancy?  After having Sammi however, and dealing with her colic, and just wondering if that was because of the anti-depressant I was taking (although, she definitely wasn’t getting enough to eat and once we took care of that, it was a little better… a little.  Now she’s usually a pretty happy kid, when she’s not sick, teething, or tired).  Anyway, no anti-depressants.  I just can’t tell.  I mean, a LOT of people are kind of going through a scrapbooking funk right now, and a lot of people are having money issues right now.  And I don’t FEEL depressed.  I feel somewhat worried, I feel tired, I miss my energy, but I don’t feel suicidal or hopeless.  I’ve lost some faith in God…though it’s really hard to lose, lol… and things monetarily do seem to be improving.  SO, I just don’t know, and right now, I realize I’m rambling terribly.  I do feel brain dead, but again, can blame that on the pregnancy and everything swirling in my head… the stress, the kids

Okay, I’ve got to stop.  Right now, I’m feeling SO pissy, it’s not funny.  But it’s because of the kids and the last half hour.