I feel like s**t

Well, the baby is due in… 9 days.  Had to think about that for a second.  I’m really tired, don’t sleep well, and have been having a LOT of depression, intrusive thoughts, anxiety, and all around, I’m just… I don’t know, scared to death?  Well, that may be a slight exaggeration, but I don’t think it’s TOO far from the truth. 

Then, okay, this is stupid… really dumb.  Linda flaked on some swaps, 3 actually.  She said she finished them, but she never sent them, well, *I* have no proof that she sent them… she told me one box got returned to her.  So I don’t even know if Linda was ever telling the truth about having done these swaps.  So that’s kind of the "prologue" to this.  This woman, Tracy, "owns" a Yahoo group, she’s the main moderator, set up the group, etc, etc.  One of the swaps Linda flaked on was hers.  Now, Tracy knows I am friends with Linda… I mean, Linda lives half an hour away from me, and it’s about time we got together and went to have lunch at John’s… I spent most of this summer having lunch with her and the girls every Friday or every other Friday.  But this is not about Linda, and her flakiness.  It’s about Tracy, and her coldness towards me ever since this all went down.  I’ve been bugging Tracy to carry Bazzill metallic gold in her store… this is a paper, Bazzill is known for it’s high quality textured papers, and Tracy sells it for a good price, 40 cents a sheet, w/ 5.00 shipping, and she ships as soon as she gets an order.  So she’s got great customer service.  Well, I want to do some Christmas swaps, and one of the colors I want is this metallic gold, so I asked Tracy if she would carry it.  She told me she couldn’t because the min order was 200 dollars, and her DH had put her on a budget.  So I offered to either loan her 200 dollars, OR buy 200 dollars worth of product from her, so long as she would stock this paper for me.  She flat out refused, telling me it wasn’t a money problem, it was a space problem in her store area of her house.  I did not respond to that email.  Other "proof" if you will, is that there was another woman on the group who is pregnant, and she kept going "Where’s that baby, where’s that baby?"  But nothing about MY baby.  I realize it’s stupid to get my undies in a bunch over some woman on the internet that I barely know, but it hurts.  And *I* did NOT cause the problem, but she’s taking it out on me…and evidently any other person that she perceives is being friendly towards Linda. It’s just… I don’t know, depressing, because I didn’t do anything wrong, so I can’t make it right.  Like I said, it’s stupid.  But I can’t help how I feel, and I’m having trouble getting anyone interested in my Christmas swap, because of this and that… the paper’s too expensive, the instructions are too complicated, blah blah, blah.  I can’t even give them ONE place to go to, to order ALL the paper because Tracy refuses to carry it.  She’s got the best prices for it, and the cheapest shipping, so I want to send everyone to her… it’ll simplify things greatly. 
Sigh. 
I saw the therapist this morning, and she told me that all of that is Tracy’s "stuff"  It’s HER problem, not mine, but with my mindset, the hormones, the lack of sleep, the general sort of heightened sensitivity that I am feeling…well, as my title says, I just kind of feel like shit.  I am getting, on average, about 6 hours of sleep a night.  I think.  I’m getting to sleep anywhere from 1 a.m. to 4 a.m., and I have to get up anywhere from 7 a.m. to 10 a.m.  Things have been left undone, and I can barely deal with anything right now, so I just don’t.  The kids of course, take advantage of this… and leave me feeling guilty and crappy because they get away with SO much right now, and I resent it. 

Then, there’s the thoughts I have about the baby dying… and it’s like part of me WISHES it would happen.  It’s HORRIBLE having those thoughts.  I guess I’m just so afraid of the changes coming with the birth of this baby… I can barely discipline the 3 of them, and keep order, etc.  I hate turning into "bitch mom" when they don’t do what they’re told.  I hate feeling like this…
So I finally called someone about house cleaning, and she’s going to give me an estimate tomorrow.  I’ll probably have them come in a couple of days a week…we’ll see how much THAT costs me… ARGH!!!!
And I finally got the letter into the school district about Shabree’s speech… evidently, their speech therapist quit, and they don’t have anyone, so I had to write a letter about why Shabree needs speech therapy.  Oh my God… HELP ME… so I’ve forgotten to do THAT for a month.  I went to Raley’s today, took the powerbook, and wrote it up on the powerbook…when I got home, I printed it out and took it over.  Of course, the woman who would be handling this was gone for the day, but I had my phone numbers on there anyway, so that was fine.  I just think… good grief, we’re supposed to be moving to Elk Grove in a month or so… maybe less, and this is stupid, but I HAVE been putting this off for way too long, I just can’t BEAR the thought of having to go through all this again when we move.  I can’t bear it.  I hate calling strangers.  I hate getting on the phone to make appointments, I hate having to keep lists of things to do, I hate that I always forget, but that maybe I forget on purpose… I mean, it’s so stupid, but I am AFRAID to make these calls.  I’m perfectly professional when I do make them, and it’s not like I’m a stupid woman, and it’s not like I didn’t spend years on the phone at Apple talking to people… it’s NOT like it’s hard.  It’s not… but I’ve just got this strange fear/phobia about getting on the danged phone to get people to come do stuff for me. 

Yea… I’m going insane.  That’s it.  Anyway, I just had to write this all down, get it out of my system… hell, I don’t know, I just need to RATIONALIZE some of it… I mean, I’m being silly, for sure.  But it does help to sort of put it out there, and figure out what the heck is going on in my brain… and part of what’s going on with the sleeplessness is that I just don’t want to THINK about anything, and what ofent happens is that when I lay down, I start to think about stuff.  I have to be pretty much completely exhausted to sleep, OR it has to be day time…for some dumb reason, I can sleep during the day.

Okay, this chair is hurting my butt, so I am going to post and go find something else to do… perhaps something constructive, since that would likely make me feel better.  Though really, I got quite a bit accomplished today, assuming the quote I get tomorrow is reasonable… let it be reasonable… I don’t want to have to go back to the drawing board on this one.